went the coal and went the water

another dream has been had. this one started with me visiting a place upstate with a dingy lake and beat up, oddly shaped houses. i peered over the edge of a dock behind one of the homes and my shoe, my sister's white sandal, fell in. my parents were furious and told me they were sending me away to a school across the street we were on. they said i had no respect and i wasn't responsible and that they were fed up with me, so for the last year of my education i was going to be at this horrid school upstate. i cried and threw a fit, told my mom i hated her and yelled at my sister to stop my parents from doing this. she didn't do anything and said i should just go. they left me there, shoeless and confused. i had to room with three asian girls that acted like i didn't exist. i was freezing in my room and asked if i could shut the fan off and they just didn't look at me. also, one of the girls had a gum ball machine in her room. a voice came on the loud speaker instructing all students to go to the computer lab which looked like a giant sweat shop with computers at sewing tables. the mother of the kardashian's was the dean of the school and kept yelling at me. she told me i was using the program wrong and that i had to go to the gym instead. i got angry and left. as i was working out i saw her from the window kissing a younger man. she was apparently dating one of the jonas brothers and i leaked this information and got in a serious amount of trouble for it. i was ordered to go to lobby of the school and wait for my mom. when she arrived she was just as unpleasant to me as the day she left me there. we gave each other large doses of bad attitude until i woke up.

it was at this point i situated myself in my bed to get comfortable again and fall right back to sleep. i continued with part two of the dream which took place in the same setting, but the situation was completely different. it was a dream that was more of an observation, i wasn't really taking any part in it. the dingy lake that i had previously dropped my sister's shoe in had dried up. trees grew on the floor of the lake and wild animals, ones that looked like gazelles ran around. people had to climb from tree to tree to avoid getting killed by the animals because they had all apparently turned violent and thrived off of killing things. so i am seeing these people and other smaller animals clinging onto branches and a few of them falling into the pit of angry creatures. eventually, after days passed in my dream the lake abruptly filled back up, drowning everything there was that breathed. i remember seeing everything under water as if they weren't affected by not being able to take oxygen in and i sharply woke up again.

it's fake just like the movies

there is a specific feeling out there, one that there is no word for. it's in between disappointment and aggravation, across from sadness and frustration. i can best describe it as the feeling you got as a child when you expected a giant birthday party with an elaborately decorated pinata and professional face painters with the whole school in attendance and wound up with shitty cupcakes with an unsatisfying amount of icing on them and a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game with your cousins and mom. it's that feeling where you know you have to put on a happy face and that you really should be grateful for everything, but you aren't. knowing that you don't feel the way you should makes you feel even worse. i set myself up time after time. i think more of people, give them much more credit than what they deserve and then i am rudely awakened by their actions. i never learn. i say, "this time will work out. this time will be better", and then it's not.

also, i noticed i become incredibly angry when i can not find matching socks.

let the reigns go loose

it's the season and despite the fact that i usually go christmas crazy, it's been hard for me to get into it. i've tried watching a movie or two, baking cookies, decorating trees, setting up mechanical snowmen, gift shopping, and the rest of it. have i literally grown out of the excitement of the holidays? is it just stress from various things? i don't know what it is but i know i don't like it. hopefully, considering tomorrow will mark the official last day of the semester i will perk up and make the most out of the time left before christmas. i am quite proud of the gifts i'll be giving my family and friends this year. i always try to be personal about it, to get something they don't have, something that will speak to them on a level above just being an object- more like something showing the thought i put into picking it out. i love doing that for the important people in my life. it's strange because usually people think i hate christmas and the act of giving because i'm always so sarcastic and make fun of almost everything. it's the opposite though. i melt when i know i got someone the perfect gift. even when i was little i would wrap up music boxes and stuffed animals and give them to my parents, thinking that just because you wrap something it's magically new and shiny. then again, i thought santa was real when i was that age. i'd give anything to be that way one more time.

this time i will go through what things about the holidays specifically make me happy.

gingerbread houses, walking through the snow at night and seeing how the christmas lights reflect off the ground, baking my christmas cookies, giving my christmas cookies away, giving in general, decorating the tree, using the tree as a night light, nat king cole and frank sinatra christmas albums, snowmen, seeing wrapped presents under the tree, the element of surprise.

what it's like to eat what's rotten

obese people break my heart. no matter how they got to that point, whether it was all their fault or not- they just depress me. what a horrible existence to be trapped inside your own body, a prisoner of your own skin. true, there's a way to be freed of that but for a lot of people that's just not an option due to financial issues or some other limiting circumstance. the fuel that powers obese people to keep eating and eating and eating is almost always so deep seeded and nearly impossible to get rid of. the appetite that drives them everyday seems to be unable to be satiated. television shows that glorify and exploit these people disgust me. i can't watch them, not even five minutes. the continuous footage of someone who would otherwise be able to lift himself out of a chair simply can't because of his sheer size. the person behind that camera should be ashamed of themselves. to sit back and watch human beings eat themselves to death and struggle with shifting their own weight is just as bad as letting someone slit their wrists and drain their blood in the bathtub. they're both slow and in-plain-view ways to die. sure, we have a whole medical field dedicated to the obese population but bariatrics hasn't done much for the growing number of americans eating their way into oblivion.

this isn't a judgment on obese people at all. i truly hurt for them. i understand harboring a hatred and love for food, both personally and vicariously through certain family members. to carry that emotional and physical weight is exhausting and seemingly unbearable. i hate that this issue is being paraded around on television like some oddity, when in reality it's all too common.

to bring myself out of this gut wrenching topic, here's a few things that bring me joy.

stale marshmallows, oversized mugs, being able to hear how cold it is outside while i'm in a warm house, new bras to match my underwear, warmth in general, hugs, meaningful conversations, promises kept, long lasting friendships, wrapping gifts, old nickelodeon shows, space heaters, mohonk mountain, a clean room, "i love you"'s spelled and pronounced that very way, j brand jeans, being able to make someone's day, being listened to, getting the perfect gift for someone, being understood, pizza, finishing something.

an acquaintance strikes a chord

when exactly is the right time to let something go? what determines said time and how do you judge the severity of said something? in the broad spectrum of people, i've noticed that it's not exactly kosher to hold on to things whether they be grudges, opinions, hurt feelings, broken hearts, or memories. this brings up another question: doesn't everything that happens to you shape who you are? so then it really makes no sense to let go of anything, does it? it's a horribly confusing cycle. it's taxing to sort through all of our experiences and fumbles through life and manage them in our heads, throwing the worse ones out and keeping the better ones at the fore fronts of our minds. i'm not completely sure i can throw those regretful and heart wrenching experiences away. i don't think i am the only one either. those situations helped shape me, good or bad. has it left me in pieces at points? absolutely, and some of those pieces never got put back. i've come to terms with that. i think a lot of people out there walk around with missing parts. it's pain staking to sort through those undesirable memories but i can't just let them sit and lay stagnant. they'll start to smell.

i connect different things to my memories permanently, so it's always been hard for me to ignore certain ones. something as simple as hearing a certain band or walking on a specific route- these things automatically bring memories back to me, sucker punching me in the gut. even certain smells can do it. some people can detach the strings that connect experiences but i certainly can not. it may be a subconscious way of my brain reminding me of the lessons learned and strife endured, making me think twice about my next move. people should be more aware of their memories. they teach you a lot of things and keep you from making the same mistake over and over again. while the human condition is to continue fucking up, i think remembering can aid in finding a solution. here's a happy list.

feeling resolved.

so assist in the escape

my dreams have been interesting but not particularly noteworthy until last night. completely out of the blue, i had a lengthy and detailed dream about the most random issues, people, and places. i'm not quite sure of where to start, as my dreams often don't have a clear beginning or end.

i was walking around in the city but it wasn't really the city. this is common in most dreams, to think of a place that doesn't look anything like the real location. anyways, i turned onto 5th avenue when a kenyan man swung at me with a giant judge's gavel. he hit another man in the head instead and with that, i ran the opposite direction. i kept running and turned into a doorway that was the entrance to a law firm or what not. when i ran in i saw tom hanks but didn't treat him like he was famous at all. i told him my predicament and asked if he would let me hide there until further notice. he was very gracious in letting me stay and locked the doors just in case the kenyan man with the gavel tried to get in. at that moment, voices from a megaphone traveled in through the windows of the law firm. apparently, the voices belonged to canadian officers that were after me for a crime i didn't commit. they had sharp shooters lined up and were banging on the door. i knelt under the window to avoid getting shot and the bangs on the door grew louder. at some point in time, tom hanks transformed into hulk hogan somehow and i didn't treat it like it was anything strange. he told me to run upstairs and wait on the roof for him. i did so on my hands and knees to avoid being seen through the windows and crept onto what i thought would be the roof of the building. when i got there, it was a garage with my family's cars in it though. i decided to hide under one of them and after a few minutes, my mom came into the garage with my sister asking where i was and that they needed to give me up to the police. my mom caught me under the car and nonchalantly said that i should really turn myself in. i cried and screamed that i was being falsely accused and then my dad came in and started yelling just as loud as i had been. he said i better go or else canada would start a war with america. i begged them to just hide me and play dumb with the police but they were having none of it. so i decided to make another run for it and ended up in a beat up jeep at hulk hogan's fish restaurant in the middle of the woods. i decided to not let him know i was there for fear of getting the same reaction i had received from my family. i opted to keep driving. i sped by on a desolate road with a view of the water to my right. all i saw was dead whales floating at the surface and random boaters looking at the carcasses with a blank stare.

the dream trails off somewhere on that road, with me glancing at that horrible body of water.

the truth is vile but vital to this cause

why is it that people endure so many unnecessary hardships at the hand of others? there have been too many times where i've seen people continue to drag out a fruitless friendship or relationship while knowing the whole time that it's pointless to do so. if there is no balance, rewarding give-and-take, or happiness in a friendship it's time to get out. we're not being tallied or graded on how many people we can get to like us, it's not a competition. being nice is highly overrated and when i really think about it, being nice means telling the truth and being honest with yourself which can be hurtful or unpleasant to reveal. people need to get over pleasing every person they come across and just be genuine. there's no more raw feeling out there anymore. it's always about keeping the peace, being quiet, and frankly- being a total pussy.

not my style. if i don't like you, you'll know. this doesn't mean that i'll come up to someone screaming obscenities in their face. it means that i won't shoot a fake smile and make mundane small talk. there's nothing callous about that. it's one person being true to how they feel. i always give people a chance. if there is no spark, no connection, no interesting conversation- there is nothing for me to stick around for. the friends i have, i value to no end. i don't need people to be fans of me, i don't need to be the nice guy- because the nice guy lets you fuck him up the ass. i am not that guy. i do not want to be fucked up the ass. i'd rather save everyone time, energy, and deeply hurt feelings by getting it out there immediately. that is my way of being nice and think about it- it's true. why lead someone on?

like pierrot the clown

when i checked the mail today, i noticed something from FIT was addressed to me. i opened it and saw that it was information on commencement. this immediately excited me, as it is my turn to put the graduation garb on. the kicker is, i'm not just graduating at the actual Fashion Institute of Technology- my graduation ceremony is being held at Radio City Music Hall! i was practically jumping up and down in excitement. i shared my news immediately with everyone who was in earshot. my mom cared a lot. my dad joked about it. and the rest, well- it never ceases to amaze me how nonchalant and unmoved people can be. i'm not saying everyone on the face of the planet needs to be chipper 24/7, but at least give someone a sincere pat on the back when it's called for- even if you, yourself, don't think said news or event is all that special. the reactions of people i love and matter to me are just as important as my own. this is a big deal for me and i'd like to feel that people i surround myself with feel the weight of what is happening and what will happen soon. i support all my friends' endeavors with the utmost enthusiasm i can provide and to put it bluntly, i feel as though i get half (at best) of what i give. i want my friends and family to succeed and show everyone how amazing they all are, but i want the same back bone of support. my own gets weak and achy at certain times and i feel like i have no one to lean on when i need it. sure, i can get someone's word that i can depend on them but it's barely sincere.

here are some things that displease me.

one piece anythings, rompers, leggings as pants, crocs, skechers shape-ups, being cut off in mid sentence, hipsters that think they are totally 100% authentically original, dry skin on my face, waiting, overload of assignments, slow walkers, a lack of support, high waisted jeans, being the runner up, sleepless nights, stomach aches so bad that it hurts to inhale and exhale.

on a day like today

this month has been flying by. even though i've only been back at school for three weeks now, it feels much longer. this isn't necessarily a bad thing- it's just a feeling. recently, my passion for art has been reignited. (for some reason, blogger is telling me that "reignited" isn't a word- but it definitely is.) i don't know exactly when or how it happened, but it did. i'm talented and i rarely acknowledge it. i've been talented for a long time and i always shoot myself down. i won't do that anymore, though. by no means am i the greatest and most gifted student or young artist in new york, but i am competition. it feels odd to admit it to myself, but at the same time it feels satisfying. i know how to sell myself and i know how to deal with people and a lot of the truly amazing artists that are my age have no idea how to do that. they're like a bunch of deers in a giant pair of headlights. is it terrible that they might never get their name or work to the public eye? yes, of course. is it great for me? absolutely. i'm okay with that. that's how my trade works. you're out for yourself and on your own. there is no company name to fall on, there is no higher position to blame it on, there is nothing but yourself.

i still want that steady job and those comforting benefits. that is the ultimate goal. but art will play a part in my life forever and i plan on making some money off of it. i'm happy and relieved to have made this realization. art and i just had to take some time apart to realize how much we needed each other.

i made a mild modification to the nicholas cage tribute post. also, here are a few things that make me happy.

cover songs, a good shopping day, new shit, marrakesh oil.

it arose on azimuth glares

tonight is the first night it really feels like fall. the temperature is moderately lower and the air is fresher, more crisp. there's less water hanging in it. it even smells different. i love when seasons are in their own type of limbo. they don't know if they should oppose the rival season or just back down and take a break for a few months. those are probably some of my favorite days- when it feels like summer and autumn simultaneously. there's something really special about the fall though. the colors, the smells, the sounds- they're all wonderful to me. i favor warmer colors so it's no surprise to me that i love the orange, red, and yellow hues the leaves all acquire. even though those colors signify that the leaf is dead, i still think it's the most beautiful a leaf can look. the smell of fall is a combination of things i can't put into words. i also love the way the sun looks in the fall. it looks as if it's not that hot- that it's just warm enough. i know the temperature of the sun doesn't change, but it's how i see it is all. i guess it's different for everyone. i am extremely excited for the season to go into full swing and for halloween and thanksgiving and all those fun things- which offers a perfect segue into the happy list.

underpants, buying underpants, wearing underpants, the word "underpants", dancing around in underpants, pajama pants, wearing pajama pants whenever i can, taking pajama pants off in bed, sleeping in underpants, the word "pants", cooking something i've never cooked before, secret handshakes, learning new words, small trips to cold spring harbor, english breakfast tea from a keurig machine.

all dreamers take to the sky

the end of august marks the end of summer. school will be starting up again as will commuting, assignments, and the general woes of being a student. but with the school year comes positive things such as reuniting with fellow students and friends, getting back to the place where constant thought is appreciated, the stimulation of the brain, and the changing of the seasons. also, i'll be working toward that degree i so desperately want and am so very close to attaining. who knows what will happen after i get it. i still want to explore the medical realm of careers but i don't know if i have the motivation or steam left to go through more schooling. it's a terrible, awful thing to admit being that i even have the opportunity and gift of education but it's just the truth. if i get extremely lucky and land some sort of well paying job in the field i've been educated in, i may just stick with that and save the extra schooling for later on in life- but i'm not getting my hopes up on that one, at all. whatever happens, i have a strong feeling it will all work out just fine- better than fine, even. when i think of the future, i think of possibilities- not fears and upcoming responsibility and somewhat frightening independence. i can't wait to experience more and make a name for myself, somewhere. i can't wait to build something of my own. it overwhelms me in a good way.

i have very mixed feelings toward this semester, though. i wonder about if i can handle my course load, what my classes expect of me, and how other things have the potential to change. i can't be sure of how anything will go, even if my outlook is a positive one. i don't do well with change so that frightens me a bit. like everything else, i have to take it day by day and that will have to be enough. i've heard countless times that change is good but in some situations change feels more like failure to me. i feel like the act of changing something is akin to giving up on something- and i hate not giving things in my life to have every fair chance it deserves. people seem to have varying opinions on this.

yesterday i finally found an album i had been searching for for literally five years. what awaits us by dearly departed was worth the hunt. i found it at a store called utopia in hicksville, maybe twenty to thirty minutes from where i live. tom took me on a whim and i am quite grateful to him for the idea of going. he ended up getting as the eternal cowboy by against me! vinyl LP and it sounds really great on the record player.

the ever expanding list: the seasons changing, looking at the exterior of a house, looking at the interior of a house, fall nights, the little things, being distracted, finding sought after music, a clean bill of health, having a clean bill of health be the only bill, choreographed dance scenes, hanging porch swings, tree swings, new clothes, old clothes, feeling like sleeping late is an accomplishment, the colors that accompany autumn, the fact that yo gabba gabba exists, marine life.

the light at the end of a tunnel or a train

last night was the first time in a long time that i was legitimately caught off guard and scared of thunder. it woke me up, terrified. for a second i thought something horrific had happened. it hadn't, it was just a ridiculous thunder clap followed by a few more ridiculous thunder claps. the initial one was so powerful it set a car alarm off on my block. i did however enjoy the lightning that accompanied the thunder, even though i was trying desperately to get quality sleep. i don't think i will get any of that for a while.

the one thing that was supposed to give me peace of mind and a chance at rest did the opposite yesterday. it did nothing to satiate this anxiety that continues to boil inside me. if anything i feel as if it's bubbled over. yes, i have an answer. yes, i have a plan. no, i do not feel any better. it's not fine with me. it's not fair that out of everyone, i am left with this. i do almost everything i can to better my health and no one else i know does the same, not even close- and they walk away, unharmed and oblivious to their luck. it's disgusting and unjust how things work out sometimes. this is not me saying that anyone else deserves this, but it sure as hell should not have ever been me.

i know that out of anything, what i was dealt was the best possible hand- but for right now i am distraught. that feeling i had when i was woken up by the thunder is constant now.

walking on a wire

i woke up this morning, very early, feeling anxious for seemingly no particular reason. there was no nightmare, no being startled awake. i just opened my eyes, was aware of consciousness, and became nervous. today isn't any different from any other day, i'm not expecting anything to happen- good or bad. i just feel restless with worry and doubt, but what about? possibly, it's school starting back up sooner than later which has me wound tight or other issues- but i can identify that. this feels different, although it still could be the previously mentioned thought. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's just me. maybe it's everyone else- i'm not quite sure. i wish i could just snap out of it, whatever "it" is.

right now, all i want is to be in the arms of someone who tells me- and believes- that i'm alright and that everything will be fine.

i'll conclude with a happy list: excited dog tails slapping against the floor, i spy books, the summer time, how little kids are carefree, feeling loved, feeling safe, the assurance that someone has me in their thoughts, being sure, the end of a work day, feeling resolved.

a dream among the sharks

shark week is coming to a close on the discovery channel and i am deeply saddened by this. i've learned very much from this summer's edition and was blown away by some of the stories told by survivors. one story in particular got my attention. in 2002, an 8 year old boy's arm was taken off by a six and a half foot bull shark off the coast of the florida panhandle. as he was being shuttled to the hospital, the boy's uncle wrestled the shark to shore, shot it in the head, and shoved his arm down its throat and retrieved his nephew's limb. the uncle surrounded the arm in ice and sped to the hospital the boy was at. after twelve hours of surgery, his arm was successfully reattached and he's been using it ever since. good for you, jim morris. bad day for the bull shark, though.

it's things like this that amaze me. our bodies are capable of extraordinary actions, like being torn apart as if you were a rag doll and then literally being sewn back together- and having it work. it makes me wonder then, why so many people decide to play russian roulette with their health. why take chances so grave when you also have a chance of getting into real danger and then your body lacks the resources and strength it may need to recover? it simply makes no sense to me. some people say "live in the moment" or "losen up" and sometimes i hear "i could die tomorrow, so what?" it aggravates me to a high degree. what about the people who do take care of themselves and avoid the obvious things that are detrimental to their health and then end up getting bent over and fucked in the ass with some sort of ill fated disease or circumstance? would you tell them to "live in the moment" and "loosen up?" i think not. it's painfully ironic how things work out sometimes.

anyway, as i said, i learned a lot about sharks this week. some tidbits of information i've retained is that a whale shark's mouth can grow up to six and a half feet wide and a bull shark has the most testosterone flowing through them than any other creature on the planet. that is why they are always so grumpy and aggressive. tiger sharks are covered in little teeth called denticles. yes, that's right- their skin is a bunch of teeth, as if they didn't have enough teeth in their mouths. now, if i am ever in a situation where i am toe to fin with a shark, i think i know what to do thanks to shark week. i should punch its eyeballs and nose and shove my hands in its gills. i have to say though, i doubt it would work. i mean, if a shark wants to eat me i'm pretty sure it's going to make a meal of my appendages and torso. at least i'd serve some sort of purpose then- shark food.

bend back and forth across the map

at this moment, what i want more than anything is to be a normal twenty-one year old. no matter how much i will it to happen, it just doesn't come together. i feel such a sense of not belonging and it doesn't sadden me as much as it frustrates me. i am convinced i must be doing something wrong. everyone around me manages to have a wonderful time and i am so envious of them. i'm inherently uncool and most of my jokes fall flat on the floor. i'm not exciting and i feel as if i contribute nothing to a conversation, or at least nothing anyone wants to listen to. i'm not attractive enough to be the incredibly hot girl at the party. i'm not funny enough to be the person to go to for laughs at the party. i'm not smart or quick enough to be the witty one. i am the wet blanket, the one who brings nothing to the party except her boring and mediocre presence. not even i want to be around myself. i can't stand the smell of smoke and weed. i am miserable at any and every drinking game i have ever participated in. i can barely keep track of the ones i've been taught. i physically can't smoke a cigarette. my throat and lungs will have no part of it and i think i may have taken one semi successful drag in my whole life. a night revolving around beer doesn't excite me in the least. i wish it did. i wish i could be happy with that. i wish i could be something that fit in. the frustration i feel toward myself, and only myself, is so overwhelming. i fooled myself into thinking i could pull it off a few times. i really had myself going but i can only keep appearances up for so long. i'd do anything to change how i feel, but so far nothing has worked. i am such a loser and i keep letting myself down time and again. it's in my genes to be the uncool one. that's the one i am at the party.

live the questions now

rainer maria rilke, one of my favorite poets, crossed my mind recently. i've been reading his work and learning about his life since i turned fourteen years old. i don't know why he popped up in my line of thought, but i'm glad he did. it reminded me of my favorite quote of his, possibly my favorite quote in general. the quote itself comes from a short paragraph and reads, "live the questions now." i clung to those words since i read them almost eight years ago- because what else can we do? it's a quote, yes, but to me it's also a strategy to living life. you exist if you don't take a chance. you remain stagnant and rotting in the mundane day-to-day if you don't delve into that thing you may be curious about. why not let yourself go and do the things that just may make you happy? why not express how you feel when you might not get another day, hour, minute to do so?

it is imperative to me to just live everything to its fullest, to not sit and wonder what will happen next. i live according to me, not to how anyone else thinks or feels. this is not because i'm selfish or impulsive or that i have a tendency to disregard others. in fact, i think- i know- i am the opposite. there is no point to try to figure everything out. i know i will never piece together a whole person and how they think or feel and how to please them and how to not drive them away. if they want to stay, they will. if not, so be it. i'm not going to waste my time, my life, analyzing what i may be doing wrong- because in all honesty, i feel that i am doing everything right by just chasing my happiness, whatever that may be for the day. i don't believe in being locked down by questions. it's a way to hold yourself back, without even knowing you're doing it maybe.

i lost sight of this recently, as i do from time to time. i feel that all people let their own personal philosophies stray from them occasionally for whatever the reason. mine is back now, though- and with a vengeance. for a while i'd been tip toeing around people, worrying about what i said and did. i couldn't stand the thought of having people talk about me without my presence. i tried my hardest to please everyone, remain neutral and only speak when spoken to. that is probably the biggest load of shit i have ever fed myself. every day is new and the questions i ask myself will no longer be about things that have the potential to ruin that new day, but about how to improve it. i refuse to let myself be suffocated by piss poor moods and laziness, selfishness and backstabbing, dishonesty and insincerity, or painful difference that is on the cusp of apathy. it's so simple and i'm a bubbly, carbonated mixture of happy and relieved that i rediscovered this quote. it's funny how words work, how much they can change everything.

don't think of collapse

today i am going to switch things up a bit. i'm going to start with my happy list, instead of ending with it- so here it is.

ipod shuffle getting your mood right by playing the perfect songs, homemade avocado and feta cheese dip, dreams that aren't frightening or bad, the clash: live at shea stadium, band tee shirts, free time, palm trees, trees that are able to be climbed, tree swings, swing sets, going for a walk on a clear night, simplicity, sincerity, honesty, laughing at things that don't necessarily seem funny, getting good weather on a day that was supposed to be filled with bad weather, crossing things off a to-do list, going out to dinner whether it's subway or sagamore, feeling understood, working up a disgusting sweat, pushing myself to my physical limit, not having to wonder, sunsets, sunrises, the moon, being reminded that you're special to someone, sales, not ever having to go to work at bath & body works ever again, showers after going to the beach.

no matter how bad things can get, there is always an abundance of things that make me happy. simple or intangible, i have quite a few mood boosters. my brain is just wired to gravitate toward the easy things in life, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i like that i don't pine over shiny, expensive things. surprisingly, i am fairly easy to please. my happiness requires little to no effort to attain, and that is just wonderful.

the silhouette of a face always turned away

when i look in the mirror recently, i am not particularly thrilled with what i see staring back at me. i haven't felt pretty for a while now. i don't think i'm ugly, but i don't see myself as a beautiful person with stunning features. my blonde hair is unruly and my buggy blue eyes are framed with ash colored circles. my brow ridge dips too low, always making me seem cold and angry even if i'm smiling. my forehead is stunted in its growth and my cheeks resemble those of a chipmunk. my chin rivals jay leno's and my mouth is much too large and aids in the enunciation of my all too masculine voice. now, makeup can help out some what but i can't change my skull structure or genes.

my hands are like my voice- entirely too masculine. my fingers are thick and my palms are calloused. my nails are nice, though. it's easy to have nice nails. i do pick at the skin around my nails in boredom or in anxiousness, however. my feet look unnatural and almost cartoonish. they just spread out, like duck feet. they are bricks at the ends of my ankles. each toe looks like it came off of a different foot. the skin on my heels are as hard and thick as the bark of a tree. veins bulge out of the tops of my feet, all blue and prominent. wearing delicate shoes has never been a walk in the park, no pun intended.

none of this is a pity party or wallowing in a pool of self loathing. this is simply how it is and how i am- mere observations of myself. i am still able to walk into a room and feel like i am not hideous. i can still wear a bikini and not feel terrible about the skin i've been given as my own. i can go shopping for new clothes and not come out of the dressing room crying. i am aware that this does not count as a stellar amount of confidence per se- tolerance, rather. it's hard to feel beautiful when you're the only one looking at yourself and there is no one around to tell you otherwise.

things that make me happy as of today are drives at night down an isolated and pitch black road, the new york city skyline, long island, new clothes, the thought of putting summer on pause, pictures of hawaii and imagining actually going there, warm toned colors.

predisposed to fall three times as hard

people changing can be both positive and negative. in one respect, it's good- if an alcoholic changes that means they aren't drinking anymore. that's an example of necessary and acceptable change. then there is negative change- when a perfectly good person either gets sidetracked or sucked into a different form of themselves for whatever reason, altering all the great qualities they once possessed. no one wants that kind of change. but how do you prevent that? if another person changes, that's unstoppable. whether they are going down a bad road or their feelings simply morph into something else, it will happen. you can beg and plead with them, cut deals, bribe them, threaten them- nothing will halt what will happen.

the next step in change is how someone decides to deal with it. obviously, when it comes to positive change you just accept it with a smile. undesired change though, that is something entirely different. accepting it feels like giving up. fighting it feels hopeless and pathetic. ignoring it's even happening is foolish and ends up hurting too much- and when it involves more than one person, it gets messy and someone is bound to leave the disaster feeling all but broken. usually, one party decides to accept the change and the other opts to fight it- and fight it hard. when it comes to change, i am usually on the fighting end. i just feel defeated by change when it happens. i feel totally lost and wasted- not in a "falling over drunk" way, but feeling drained of all my energy, love, effort, and dignity.

i always give so much of myself and then change comes in and destroys everything i built. it all just gets blown away and knocked down. i want so much to be the kind of person that can be content with holding back, feeling less, and giving next to nothing. i can't be that though. i can't not care with every fiber of my being. i've tried and it leaves me feeling empty and angry that it's viewed as a negative thing that i give two shits. this is who i am and who i have to be to function like a normal and happy individual. i have a big heart by nature and i give not to get, but for the sake of giving. my question is why can't some people accept it and give something back? why is that such a chore? to get genuine feelings in return is the biggest gift i could receive.

there are some things i will never understand- like smoking, animal cruelty, and laziness to name a couple. but the one thing that gets to me more than any one of those previously stated is the reluctance to accept love and to not give it back. it just saddens me so much to think of the people out there who go through that and think they are the ones that are flawed for feeling the way they feel. it's just not right and certainly not fair.

anyway, to get back to my initial rant- bottom line: change is shitty and hurts like hell.

bottle up and explode

it's one of those days where my head has decided to run rampant- and for good reason. i don't have to justify anything this time. i just keep leaping from one thought to the next, from a moment in my childhood to what i need from the grocery store to what time i'm going to the gym to feeling like i'm nothing. i'm a true live wire. i might not say anything and i might carry myself in a totally acceptable manner but thoughts are banging on the inside of my brain and all i really want to do is scream obscenities and throw my fists around. i always give so much slack and i always give the benefit of the doubt and for what? to be walked on? sure, i may be a push over and turn a blind eye to certain things just to keep the peace or not look like a harping nag but i'm not a fool. don't people see that i have much more to offer than favors and cookies? i carry good conversation and i have some insight. i have a solid sense of humor and i laugh easily. does that not make me "cool" or worth while? seemingly, not. what makes someone cool and makes people want to be around them? what am i not doing? this isn't just all in my head and i'm not making nonsense for the sake of making nonsense. i'm just so utterly fed up.

i'll attempt a happy list, although it seems pointless now.

fresh bedding and sheets, a good book, the approaching end of the online class, feeling like i matter even a little bit.

inside this open heart

i'm in a very peculiar mood as of now. it's not good, it's not bad- but it's not indifferent either. i'm near apathetic but not totally there yet. it's a mixture of confusion, inadequacy, frustration, and anticipation which equals a rather odd feeling. i feel like i'm being torn in two- or ten. there are so many different things bothering me. i don't know what to do with myself. i can't concentrate on anything and every time i try to distract myself, it comes right back to my mood. to add on to the feeling i already have, i feel even more frustrated because i can't seem to shake it. i have so many questions and barely any answers to satiate me. i suppose that if i looked more into words, actions, scenarios, and situations i can find my answers easily. maybe i just don't want to fully accept them though. i know it'll suck too much and i'm buying time, i guess. i can't find peace in any of the places i'm looking. there's just this hovering thing behind me, begging me to get to the bottom of this- whatever it is. i'm so sick of being unsettled. i want a firmer grip on the future, on the present. i want to know what's worth it and what isn't. i want to know if i'll always feel like this. how hard is it to get answers, simple ones too? how many answers do i need in order to be alright? why is this so taxing? no one else seems to have this problem. everyone else seems to float right through their days, never stopping to question anything or any of their relationships, friendships, activities, families, or whatever else they have in their lives. why is it i need that reassurance, that answer? i actually am shocked that i haven't seen this predicament more in people. i can't be the only one on this. sure, i over analyze and look deeply into things- but isn't that what makes some things important? some things deserve that extra thought, that extra minute of care. people deserve that extra consideration, pets deserve it, your family deserves it. why is it so hard to give that away though? what is so bad about thinking of something a lot? it's what separates living from just existing. people that just exist don't think about things, they don't care. they're so painfully indifferent toward anything. they make no decisions and could care less about where the day takes them. they rarely take a stand on anything and they overlook the most obvious things. this type of person frustrates me and drives me up the wall. you were given a brain for a reason. if those people would just think, take a minute to look a bit deeper into something- just one thing, anything- they would know what living is. they'd see things they didn't know were right in front of them before. they'd most likely appreciate everything around them more. it really disgusts me how much people take shit for granted. some people could have a lump of gold sitting in their fucking laps and not care one bit about it. this is just another example of existing. someone that lives would notice a hunk of gold in front of their face and cherish it. i don't understand people that just exist. it's not hard to just think and let yourself feel things. god forbid, though- that might take too much effort.

buried in the ocean floor

i've come to the conclusion that the 4th of july is one of the best holidays around. it's such a relaxed occasion. even though for very many people it revolves around beer and burgers which i'm not a fan of, it involves fireworks too- which i am very much a fan of so it cancels out entirely. call me a stick in the mud, but that's how i am. i love the big booms that you feel in your chest and stomach and watching the cascading dots of lights. it's simply pretty. i've always loved illuminating things. this is a weird statement but it's true. fireworks, christmas lights, lava lamps, black lights, neon signs- all of it fascinates me. it calms me, i suppose. i guess i'm so fond of them because i'm a visually based person. fortunately, this 4th of july turned out to be positive and fun. i was expecting the exact opposite to be honest, but i'm certainly glad it unfolded that way. only time will tell.

today i had a short shift at work. just three lousy hours in the world's most uncomfortable shoes. the upside of today was that i did not have to work the cash register. i was elated to say the least. since today was the last day of a ridiculously large sale, the whole store needed to be turned over. i unpacked and packed soap and lotion and only had to deal with a mere handful of bitching and moaning people. when i came home to take my shoes off, i discovered a few lovely blisters. also, my toes turned black from the dye on the shoes. they look really adorable right now. time for the happy list.

imagining how amazing isles & glaciers will be along with jonny craig's solo project, sleeping to get away from what's really going on, getting packages in the mail, good hair days, bathing suits that won't fall off in the water, a fully charged ipod, a fully loaded gas tank, family owned businesses, feeling settled.

leave when the wind blows

i'm home a day earlier than expected from montauk. we woke up at 5 am to severe thunder storms and it continued to stay that way until about 4 pm. we tried to make the best of it and went for a drive to south hampton to look at all the enormous and gorgeous houses to make ourselves green with envy. the trip back into montauk was nothing short of horrific. i spotted five strikes of ground lightning and the traffic lights were out. the thunder was the loudest i think i have ever heard. it was the kind you feel in your chest. we also got a flat tire in the middle of this shit storm. the windows started leaking as well. i guess that's what you get when you drive a well worn '95 ford aerostar on a vacation. when my family and i got back to the hotel, we noticed a really terrible smell. my mom and i also noticed that the ground was literally bubbling beneath the pebbles that acted as a parking lot. we blamed my dad for letting one rip but he swore it wasn't him. we got out of the car and made a mad dash for our room in the pouring rain- it was coming down in sheets and buckets. once back in the room, we concluded that the septic tanks had been backing up because of all the rain. the electricity was shoddy and temperamental at this point too, meaning that i had no internet- hence, no access to class. we watched the weather and saw that thursday was expected to be the same thing, more or less. so we made an executive decision to go west- and here i am at home.

i still had an amazing time. the two days we had were so wonderful. i went in the water on tuesday and it was frigid and rough. i almost lost my top- and bottoms. i still enjoyed myself, though. the water out there is that much bluer. i also took a dip in the pool which was refreshing. for some reason, i enjoy the sting of chlorine in my eyes. being stranded with my family on the beach was fun. just enough sun and time together. i guess it's a blessing in disguise though, because i noticed we were all getting a bit moody with each other today. plus, pull-out couches suck to sleep on and it really blows to share one bathroom with three other adults. i am a bit bummed however, because we didn't get to eat at the crow's nest where they have a shark tank inside. since i'm 5 years old, this entertains me ever so much. one accomplishment i am proud of though, took place at the harvest on fort pond last night. it's a really classy and fancy restaurant, the kind where they scrape the crumbs off your table between appetizers and main courses. my mom was admiring their wine glasses and loved them because they said "the harvest on fort pond" with their logo frosted on the glass. she's a sucker for anything with meaning and memory behind it, so naturally she wanted this glass to remember the amazing time she had with her unruly family. with my dad, sister, and even my mom egging me on and supporting this act- i pocketed the glass into my bag without anyone noticing. i am smooth and sly. the most important thing though, is that it made my mom happy despite the fact she witnessed and stood behind her youngest daughter stealing from an upscale eatery.

sea foam green is in fashion

yesterday was flawless. the morning started out with my mom saying, "nobody packs like the paternoster's", and this is a fact. no one does it like us. the car ride there was hilarious. we all say the weirdest things. i was sitting behind my dad in the car, so naturally i thought to stick my hand out the window and into his to tap his shoulder and scare the shit out of him. we made great time, got into town at ten. we ate at anthony's, as per usual and afterwards checked into our room. we threw on our bathing suits and headed toward the beach where i drank in every moment. the weather forecast looks pretty good so i am keeping my fingers and toes and eyes crossed. later that day, my dad and i walked around town and i took pictures of all the places so many memories have been based on. after that, we all got ready to go out to dinner at gosman's dock. we got the best table in there, hands down, and laughed the whole time. my mom even spit out her drink onto my dad's glasses from laughing so hard. of course, we had to hit john's drive-in too where we got ice cream.

i woke up today to hearing waves crashing and i've missed that so much. this morning, my parents were drinking coffee and cracking jokes on the deck outside our room. it's nice to see them getting along. they really are an odd couple. this is why i love montauk, though. it takes all the shit away and just forces you to have a good time. if you can manage to be unhappy here, there is something terribly wrong with you.

forever longing the golden sunsets

tomorrow morning, my family and i leave for montauk. it had been an annual family event up until i was about fifteen. after that, my sister and i went once when i was sixteen followed by a trip with a few close friends when i was nineteen. every time, no matter who i may be with- i love it. i always will. it's a place that is exempt from any bad feelings i may have, holding only good memories and a careless happiness that i can't find anywhere else. i can remember times from when i was five years old being in montauk and getting yelled at for running on the boardwalk with no shoes on. that resulted in a 3 inch splinter lodged in my little foot and an uncle ripping it out before i had time to protest it. even that is a fond memory.

i am a profoundly nostalgic person which i think has aided in my unusually precise memory. it's always been important to me to take note of everything around me in a situation so i can relish the event later on. half of my happiness stems from the past. when i think of when i was much younger and my family and my friends when we were all so little, it just lifts me up. it takes me out of whatever shit is going on in the present. unfortunately, i always have to come back down and deal with whatever it may be i need to deal with but for a few short moments, i got away.

when i was much younger, we didn't go to montauk alone. my mom's sister and her family came along, as did our incredibly close family friends who i consider aunts, uncles, and cousins. one memory i have is of michael, who passed away, and i attempting to play chess and really convincing ourselves we knew what we were doing. i was nine and he was six. i don't remember who won, or even how since we had no idea what the point of the game was. after he died, we pretty much stopped going as a family- all of us. but i can't keep myself away from the place. i love it too much. i am so incredibly happy that we're going again in full. we got a nice hotel to stay in that's right on the water and hopefully the nice weather will hold. unfortunately, i have to keep up with my work for the online class i'm in so this laptop will be coming with me. despite the reading and writing of papers though, i am positive i will have a wonderful time. here is the happy list today.

montauk.

like a dog chasing cars

i now have two jobs and by the end of the summer i should be rolling in money- or at least the thought of money, due to the fact that i have things to pay off and things to waste said money on. hopefully not much will go down the tubes. the first job is great. i get to sit around with cool people and go through paper while listening to music. most of it is legal documents that people have accumulated over the span of their life but i have come across a few gems- like the polaroid of a man flexing ridiculous biceps or a family riddle titled "flannigan's shenanigans". it's a good time. the second job, however, is a borderline nightmare for me. i found out i hate retail. it's a god forsaken business and the only redeeming thing i can find in it is the promise of a paycheck. it's shitty pay, too. but i get my own apron and a name tag. my feet end up hurting and pounding and turning black because of the shoes i have to wear. it's really adorable. one thing i learned about myself though is that i am a scanning machine. i can scan lotion and soap like it's nobody's business. speaking, however, is another story. i hate asking for phone numbers and email addresses because i know how i answer that question myself: no. most of the time, i omit that question if the manager isn't looking. i get a smile from the customer instead of a disapproving and annoyed look. i also can't believe how complicated buttons can be. being a cashier blows. after my shift ends i come out smelling like warm vanilla sugar, coconut lime verbena, filthy money and change. again, really adorable.

but i have to say, having two jobs is rewarding. although i'm tired at the end of the day, i feel like i'm not a total waste of a human life. i made money, i served the public, i did my job to the best of my ability, and i got out of my head for a while. it's nice to take a break from thinking all the time. even though i somehow find a few moments in between tasks to rush a series of thoughts together. it's a talent and a curse. i realize i've overlooked my happy list obligation lately so i'll get back on it right now.

washing my feet after work, washing my face after work, the sound of my home's central air conditioner at night, getting a good parking spot, making my sister laugh when she's trying to talk on the phone, picking lucy up and looking at her confused expression, sunny days.

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

i have no idea what it is with me and international dreams lately. i had another one where i was stranded in france. maybe it's because of my world affairs class, who knows. anyway, i'll try to recount the dream as best as i can.

it started at some place called son pierre, yes- my mind even made names for the places which i can bet aren't even real. it was just a house and there were people my age there getting high and getting wasted. it also doubled as a sex shop where people rated products. i was extremely uncomfortable, needless to say. someone approached me and asked if i wanted to leave on his motorcycle and i, for some reason, said yes. so i got on the motorcycle behind said creepy man and off we went. we rode over really terrible terrain and i could feel my heart pounding even when i was asleep. we got to a huge building, a stadium looking thing really, and he said to get off. i did and walked into the huge structure in front of me. it was an airport and train station in one building. this is where it gets even more ridiculous.

i found out that a certain train goes from france to new york. absolutely impossible, but it happened in my head. i asked around and gathered that the train i needed to look for was 5W. yes, the 5 West line which was color coded in yellow. i had to wait hours upon hours until the 5W came and i got on. about 20 minutes into the ride, the engineer stopped the train and said something in french. we waited for another half hour and then the doors opened in a dark tunnel. i got out of the train, with my bags which were actually just shoe boxes- i apparently used show boxes as luggage- and walked down the tracks until i hit an opening and walked up to find a street. i knew i was fucked. i had no pants on at this point and had no idea where i was. i decided to turn around and walk back down the tracks. there were live trains speeding by me and i was not phased by this in the least. i got back to the station and cried and cried and asked anyone if they knew how to get on the next 5W. a man came up to me and was way too nice in a creepy way and gave me a plane ticket. he told me to say my name was memmed ozio and get on the plane. the man looked a lot like denis leary. anyway, i took the ticket but never got on board. i kept crying and then a priest came up to me because in this station, they have late night masses. odd. he asked me what was wrong and i told him. he said if i let him do disgusting things to me, he would get a 5W right away. i said alright and he first got the train, so i bolted for the 5W without getting raped by a priest. i sat down with my shoe boxes and then i woke up. i have sick, twisted, and deranged brain.

putting the damage on

the weather finally seems to be clear today. waking up to sun is a good sign. it's alright if it isn't 75 or 80, as long as the sun is shining i'm content. the whole house is silent. i'm the only one home at the moment and it leaves me with such quiet that i can indulge myself in my guilty pleasure of thinking to the maximum degree. i love my family to pieces. i would literally do anything for them, no matter how grotesque or morally wrong. i say this with such certainty because i know they would do the same for me. it's an unspoken agreement between us, that we would kill in order to save each other. i'm totally at peace with that. every family is different and every family has their faults which i why i can understand why a good amount of people would disagree with my previous statement, that they wouldn't go to extreme measures to save a member of their family- which is rational. mine has their flaws too, plenty of them as a matter of fact. there's alcoholism, verbal stints, threats, secrets, and a deep seeded hatred among my immediate family- but somehow we still love each other and miraculously see passed all of our short comings at the end of the day. 

my parents, for all intents and purposes, should be divorced or at least legally separated. i don't think they ever married each other because they were both deeply in love- they felt like they were running out of time. i'm not saying they merely settled, i'm saying they were never head-over-heels for one another. they had both been previously divorced from other spouses and approaching their mid to late thirties. they both wanted children, they could go through a whole day without wanting to kill each other, and they looked good together- perfect pair. they still do love each other, i'm sure of that. it's no question though that they have no romantic connection. it's just too much of a hassle to get a divorce- too expensive, too much moving stuff around, too much confusion of who goes where, incredibly time consuming. i know this because both of them have told me on numerous occasions. they share more with me than they probably should, being that i am their youngest. that's just the type of family we are, though. anything is fair game for conversation, even at the dinner table. 

we're a vulgar and profane bunch. we curse and release bodily gases when ever we feel like it in our home. there's yelling, pounding, throwing, drinking, and hating filling every room. there's secrets kept and secrets told and tears spilled over long carried heart sores. there's also an undying bond between the four of us that no one can break, not even one of us if we wanted to. i've tried.

searching through the deserts and caves

lately, i've been thinking about where i fit in. for a while i thought i just didn't fit in at all, anywhere. slowly i'm realizing that may be a good thing. i don't tie myself down to one social circle and i stick to my convictions with each group i associate with. i'm beginning to feel comfortable knowing i have friends that truly appreciate me for who i am. people that laugh at my jokes, no matter how ridiculous and people that include me in the most hospitable ways- these are the kinds of people i am allowing myself to gravitate to. for a while, i found comfort in the familiarity of one group and sticking to that as to not push any of my own personal boundaries. something changed and i saw that i owe it to myself to reach out and explore. i enjoy surrounding myself with people who like to do things and take advantage of the day and are open to everyone else's opinion. being known for something other than the girl that doesn't smoke or drink and likes to do things early in the day is a genuine treat for me. not being self conscious of what music i like or listen to is also really great. sometimes it stops mattering how long you've known people and it starts mattering what they do. people can change for either good or bad. when it's bad, it hurts and generally sucks. i like just being myself and for the first time in a long time, i feel comfortable with who i am. it's not worth one day of feeling like you're wasting time to try and appease some people. life's too short to not do what truly makes you happy.  speaking of happy, here's a list.

lucy in the sink for bath time, walking instead of driving, organizing the most mundane things, listening to my ipod in the car with the sun roof open, packing for vacation, hotel rooms and the mini fridges they have, guava juice, cold diet coke.

the last night home

last night i had another notably strange dream. it was anxiety producing and caused me to wake up in a drenching sweat. cute, right? as with all of my dreams, this didn't necessarily have a starting or ending point. it just begins. 

i knew i was in russia for some reason. i was there on an organized trip for something i can't remember. i knew a few people there, but not very much. the group was filled with random faces. we ended up going to some mansion that apparently had a long history behind it. it was filled with ridiculously expensive objects, the walls were lined with gold trim, and the windows went all the way up to its cathedral ceilings. we were told to stay on the first floor because the second floor was known to be dangerous and people didn't come back down when they went up. naturally, i went upstairs. it was kid's room after kid's room and it was creepy. i started hearing things dropping and breaking- typical haunted house procedure. i ran down the stairs and joined the rest of the group. we left the mansion and went to a train station. it was an odd train station though because it had an outdoor pool with people swimming in it even though it was raining at that point. the group went in and i refrained. i kept checking the time because we were supposed to be leaving soon and take the train to the airport. i let them know and they dried off and we got our tickets out. a bunch of trains were called so it was a huge crowd of people going in all different directions. somehow i got disconnected from my group and was on the platform for a train that i shouldn't be on. i heard a man yelling to another ticket checker things like "get the girl, finish her!" and i assumed it was me they were talking about. so even though i knew i was going in the wrong direction, i got on the wrong train and heard the conductor spit out a bunch of stations i didn't recognize 1) because it's russia and 2) because not one of them mentioned an airport. at this point, i'm freaking out. i get off at the first station and for some reason there is no platform. there is just snow and lot's of parked bulldozers and construction machines and pine trees. i was in the middle of no where and there was no one around. i was stranded in russia, horribly alone. i cried incredibly hard for a few minutes and then made myself stop. after some time, another train passed and stopped by me so i got on it. i was begging for someone to get me to the airport. i was offering the weirdest things in exchange for a ride to the airport- sexual deeds, money, anything- and i mean anything. it was at this point where i woke up very thankful to be in my own bed and in america. 

on another note, my back is peeling. the first skin shedding of the summer- how delightful! the odd part is, i really do enjoy it.

as the little things go

manners are a thing of the past. some people have just completely thrown etiquette to the wind. what is so hard about saying "thank you" or "please"? for example, if you borrow or use something of someone else's it's standard to let them know that you're appreciative of their generosity. this doesn't usually happen anymore though. people just get what they need and leave, no appreciation in sight. manners aren't just about "please" and "thank you". if someone has the decency to lend something to you, at least give them a high five or something. manners also concerns punctuality. if you're going to be late, let that person know. don't let said person hang in the balance as to when it's alright for you to do something. it's not fair and frankly, it's fucking rude. there are so many different forms of communication today that there really is no excuse for not giving a head's up of lateness. i could be doing plenty of other things other than waiting on people to come around. lateness is usually not even intentional, but it's a slap in the face and irritating nonetheless- especially if people are watching you wait and looking pathetic. i am all for spontaneity, but don't go changing plans last minute. that's also really annoying. the general public are so selfish sometimes. a lack of politeness really shows just how shallow and self absorbed a person is. a good example i can think of immediately is how someone will literally be yelling into their cell phone while on a train, in a waiting room, or in some other public and enclosed area. it's alright, have a conversation- but don't let everyone else in a fifteen foot radius know what's going on with you. i personally like to be polite to other people, even strangers. i usually get a good response and a big smile from whoever it is. when i see others smile, i smile. it's a good trade off in my book. i'll write a few things down that make me happy.

swimming in the ocean, seaweed free water, drying off in five minutes because the sun is that strong, straight up good music with no gimmicks involved, reconnecting with old friends that are truly genuine, experimenting with new recipes.

tell them that she's not scared

i still haven't started the job. apparently the masses just love lotions and soaps so much in june that my future boss is too tied up to call my references. i will kiss my first paycheck. i am required to wear all black at all times and shopping for "grown up" clothes was not enjoyable. i got it over with quickly enough, but i feel stifled and uncomfortable in work clothes. my rump was not made for office wear whatsoever but i got what i needed and i suppose i pull it off alright. at least it's black and not some really horrific and degrading uniform. i think i lucked out with this. 

this online class has the potential to really aggravate me. i can tell the teacher is a grade A douche through his e-mails alone. he thinks that my generation doesn't take anything into consideration and makes comments like "i'm sure none of you care about the 800,000 people that were slaughtered in 1993" and also thinks we're all racist which is absolutely absurd- and for the record i was fucking five years old in 1993 so i don't think i was capable of forming any kind of political opinion, let alone tie my own shoes. today, ghost of rwanda is supposed to come in the mail from netflix (because he demanded we subscribe to them to get ridiculous documentaries) and he sent out a "warning" that it's incredibly intense and depressing. i can definitely handle it. i'm looking forward to it so i can write my response and verbally kick his ass by showing him i am in fact an intelligent girl and i do in fact give a shit. i just hate when older people assume everyone my age is a social delinquent that is bound for failure in the future. there are some of us that have their heads screwed on tightly and have ambitions and goals and plans. we don't all party ourselves into oblivion and acquire at least one venereal disease. if not for myself, i want to succeed to prove everyone wrong. alright, time for my happy list.

hot sand, clean sheets, peeling off a sunburn, subtle but meaningful public displays of affection, pedicures, diy home improvements, little kids' logic, random outbursts of dance, making fun of people who are unaware that i am making fun of them, listening to old peoples' stories.  

in the cold light of the morning

rainy days seem to magnify dismal moods and cast a dreary light on almost everything. the passed three days have been like this and yesterday i was going to write about how rainy days don't always have to be bad, but things have changed. no matter how much i will myself to not let the weather affect me, it doesn't work. something always ruins the day. i just hate the sogginess and dirtiness the rain brings with it. why am i ranting about rain? to avoid ranting about other things. maybe i'll rant about them anyway.

yesterday i finally landed a job. it's a bright and cheery place so i'm looking forward to that. it smells great and the music is that of old 40's and 50's which i oddly like. i love the look of all things 50's except for the people, i believe they call themselves "rockabillys", that insist on donning themselves in garb from that era. it's weird. anyway, the people there seem nice enough. i don't have to wear anything stupid which is also a plus and i already got promoted to a higher wage. i am incredibly relieved and can not wait to be on the pay roll. a weight has definitely been lifted from my shoulders. i can't wait to start saving up and building up my bank account again. i love saving money and thinking about what i could do with it in the future. it's a  guilty pleasure of mine to look through pottery barn for a quick minute to see what bathroom fixtures, lamps, and throw rugs would look nice in my future house. not a typical 21 year old girl's concern, but i'm an odd duck- i know this already.

i've been debating on whether or not i should make a one-time-only unhappy list to just get it out of me. i want so much to keep this a mostly positive or at least contented indifferent place, but shit happens and this is all mine, no? alright, here it goes.

smoking, smokers, pot smoking, pot smokers, smoke in general whether it's coming from a cigarette or a burning house/forest, hippies, hipsters, anything involving hips it seems, extreme liberalists, extreme conservatives, upstate new york, miscommunication, gossip, lies, dishonesty, giving your all and not getting as much in return, broken heartedness, puppy mills, extreme intoxication whether i'm the intoxicated or watching the intoxicated, mirrors, being made to feel that i'm needy, roadkill, getting left behind, pictures of myself, watching someone you love spiral out of control, watching someone you love not love you back, the obesity epidemic in america, betrayal, rumors, people taking advantage of their health or simply throwing it away, one sided stories, razor burn, my hair when it's greasy, all of the pointless press on the obama family and what they're wearing, alcoholism, the midwest, my feet when they're dirty, insects, the hills, my voice, slow walkers, a good day ruined, country music, stress, crying in public, crying in general, being forgotten, large groups of people that i don't know, bars, school, rainy days, feeling like i don't fit in with any of my friends or anyone at all.

i apologize for the general tone of this post, but they're my thoughts and i can't help it.

feed on irony and drink hypocrisy

what is the point of lastfm? i don't understand the need for it. actually, i do. i understand that scenesters, hipsters, and the rest of the flaming faggots out there need to prove to every other scenester, hipster, and flaming faggot that they have the most elite taste in music. who gets to say whose taste in music is better than the next? why segregate yourself to one or two genres? there's so much talent and great stuff out there but people are so quick to disregard said music. and what's with people "owning" bands? here is an example of what i mean: "i liked these guys way before they got popular. those other tools only like them because of that stupid single." who gives a shit about when you started liking them? applaud them for being successful. 

there is however music out there that just shouldn't be allowed to exist. i know it seems like i am contradicting myself and in a way, i might be. i don't know how to describe the music i'm discussing but it's a brand all on its own. it's terrible and painful to hear. to me, this type of music is the sound wave embodiment of the type of person i hate. that's the only way i can put it.

the list of things that make me happy will be brief this time around. i'm not feeling especially grand right now.

finishing someone else's sentence or having a sentence finished for you because you're just that close with the person, being listened to even if it's something as stupid as telling that person what i ate that day, checking off the last thing to do on my to do list.

a fine line between method actor and schizophrenic

nicholas cage is a rare form of actor. he becomes the role, living and breathing as the character he's taken on. he's a god among men, really. this post is dedicated to nicholas cage and the things he has said, and might say in the future. The first list will be just for the things he has said, or screamed.

*"HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?"

*"Step away from the bike."

*"Not the bees!"

*"I keep seeing their faces... burning."

*"THE CAVES WON'T SAVE US."

*"Killing me won't bring back your god damn honey!"

*"Bitches! You bitches!"

*"Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?"

*"Look... stairs."

*"Will someone please explain to me what these magic numbers are?"

*"FUCK DUFFY. FUCK HIM!

*"Shoot him again, his soul is still dancing."

*"What are those fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table?"

*"I'm wearing $55 Swiss cotton underwear right now and you expect me to jump in that shit?"

*"He sprouted antlers like a gazelle!"

and this is a list of things nicholas cage could perhaps say in the future.

*"I SEE THE CHILDREN AND I KNOW THEY'RE AT PLAY."

*"I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat seeking panther."

*"Yeah, that's a true story."

*"I'm not your typical FBI agent- I listen to Bob Denver, dammit."

*"Well, you want to stay at my apartment?"

*"You'll turn into a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression."

*"Rock solid... 100% rock solid."

*"I come from a long line of robbers and highway men in Italy. Killers, too."

*"I've sold guns to every army but the Salvation Army."

*"NEVER SHUT THE DOOR ON SHOCKERS."

*"THERE IS NO SMELL, GOD DAMMIT."

this list is subject to change.

slept through it all

last night's dream was filled with grandiose happenings. i don't know exactly where it started, but from what i can remember i was in the mall. i strolled into a pet store and found an employee to take a rabbit out for me. when said employee did so i noticed the rabbit had a cat tail. i decided to pretend not to notice it and left. for some reason also, i had a piercing on my upper lip and lower lip. i asked a stranger if i should take them out. he said yes, so i did. after that is when it gets fuzzy and a new dream takes place. i was walking down new hyde park road at night and a fire truck accompanied by a cop car and ambulance speed by. all three turned down plaza road and shortly after a black fancy car (i'll go with a bmw) raced by, then stopped. the driver, a black man in an equally expensive and fancy business suit, came out and said something like "i totally got away with that, yes!" and looked stunned to see me walking down the road. i got a terrible feeling in my stomach as he walked toward me and pulled a small gun out. i turned to run and got shot in the back. here is where it gets really strange. all of the sudden it's day time and i'm on a school bus filled with college kids saying "i just got shot, can someone please call 911?" and no one did. eventually someone dialed an ambulance and they took me away. when i woke up i was walking down yale street, bandaged up and talking to someone (i can't remember who) and said "i can't run anymore because my lung got shot." at that point, i woke up and was glad to have two very lovely lungs. happy list time.

lots of underwear for not a lot of money, making money, money in general, underwear in general, mexican soda, kisses on the top of my head, when my hair is played with, spiral staircases, the soundtrack to a goofy movie.

two points for honesty

i am a firm believer in the golden rule. if you treat people with respect and give them nothing but honesty and compassion, i think it will all come back to you in the end. it might take a long time and you might get shit on constantly- but it will come back. i try my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and if i connect with them on a genuine level (i'm talking friend level, here) i tend to give all of myself. i make myself available to listen, give advice, and just be there for whatever. now i might not get that in return at the moment but i'm hopeful that one day, i'll get the same treatment. i do tend to do the same with relationships as well. i give as much as i can because it makes me feel good and i believe that's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, friend or otherwise. does it come back to bite me sometimes? absolutely. it has time and time again in the past, but i still give people my all. it just feels like the right thing to do. maybe i'm insane. lately i've been feeling that i am because of this. i would just like to have it all reciprocated and openly appreciated. so goes it. 

also, i believe that having a history with a friend does strengthen the friendship no matter how dysfunctional it may be. when i know someone for so long it's that much harder to give up on them. what is considered crossing the line in telling a friend they are headed down the wrong road? when are you supposed to keep your mouth shut? i wonder about this often, especially recently. when you do know a friend for such a long time, you know who they really are and who they used to be. i don't think that part of a person ever goes away. i think everyone i know is still the same awkward 12 to 13 year old they were. i see it as a fact. when a friend goes off the deep end, i think it's only fair to help them try to get back to that place- start from the ground up. no matter how obnoxious, bitchy, loud, mean, or inconsiderate a best friend can get, i have got to make every effort to bring that person back down to earth. if i can't, it breaks my heart but i know i tried. time for another round of happy listings.

winning something on eBay, compliments, finding a really good book, being in the library in the evening, dancing alone, feeling ridiculously sore after a workout, being  proud of a piece of my artwork, having the house to myself, the color yellow, arizona diet green tea from the can.

let the waves have their way

this is still kind of awkward to type down my thoughts. i feel it's more efficient though because i think faster than my hand can write. i still do write in notebooks, but my words usually end with doodles. i may post some of my hand written stuff here which includes random thoughts, ridiculous mantras that pretty much apply to only me, and dare i say it- poems (which i prefer to call organized and pretty ways of saying things.) 

after watching a documentary today called "the business of being born" i just further acknowledged the fact that feminists really bother me. coming from a female, i feel that this is a bold statement. i don't understand why women need to "empower" themselves by having their babies at home on their own terms, hating men, not shaving, filling everyone in on what exactly women's rights are, and by just acting like a bitch all the time. it really starts to put a terrible name on women everywhere and doesn't that defeat the purpose of what feminism is supposed to achieve? what is the point of having all these different groups? no one really cares, or should care. i hate the idea of "homebirth." and honestly, no one has a baby on their own terms. you can't "own" that action. having a child should never be such a selfish act and display of empowerment and righteousness. if it's not solely about the child at hand, then said woman should never be allowed to reproduce in the first place. the hospital should be the place to give birth. god forbid something goes wrong, you will be helped and so will your child, right? right. that's what hospitals are for. what i got out of that documentary is that "homebirth" is an extraordinarily selfish act. onto my happy list.

sunny days that aren't too hot, taking pictures with a manual camera, developing my own film, being called sweet things, attention but not the disgusting amount that some people require, being on time, my feet when they are really clean, dunkin' donuts hot chocolate, being able to make someone's bad day a good day, thinking about all the great outcomes my future life has in store rather than thinking about the possible tragedies, thunderstorms at night when i'm in a room with a lot of big windows, lighting candles instead of turning on the lights.

the horizon has been defeated

it's over, it's finally over. no more school to worry about. even though i am terribly ashamed of what i handed in, i honestly couldn't care less about it. it is what it is and what it is is over. onwards with summer, right? once i get a job, i will feel completely at peace. also this online class starts soon which i am unnaturally looking forward to. i like to feel smart, i guess, which doesn't happen often. my head feels clearer now that i know i don't have to trek back and forth to manhattan on a daily basis. i'm almost too excited to keep one train of thought right now, so i will go on with things that make me happy.

big dogs hanging out of car windows with floppy ears, the smell of carnivals, kayaking, driving/walking through secluded areas, not having to go to school, pet names, everything about the summer, remembering the summers of my childhood, drawing what i want to draw, eating dinner on my porch, montauk (i might go into detail about this place in another post), acoustic versions of songs, being on boats.

in a lose, lose situation

so here i am procrastinating the shit out of this last assignment. i despise it with every fiber of my being, truly. the anxiety the passed few months have caused in general is absolutely outrageous. i am slowly finding out that maybe i am more sensitive than i'd like to admit. it's pretty devastating. i can change though. i can turn off some feelings and amp up other, more favorable ones. i just analyze too much. i observe too closely. but is that just my personality or is it a flaw? i also am beginning to see that my expectation of the worst hinders my ability to trust. what is worse though- not trusting but not being that disappointed or trusting and being let down? i change my mind on this issue maybe six times a day. and i put down that the truth makes me happy in my last post. i don't know how true that is, though. sometimes finding out the truth makes me the opposite of happy. in fact, it can make me down right miserable. ignorance is bliss, no? i don't know how comfortable i am with that though. i don't know how anyone could be. then again, not everyone has hyper active brains. i wish it had an off switch sometimes. on to more things that make me happy.

picnics, long car rides with good company or alone, jigsaw puzzles, reading at the beach, walking on the beach, using a rainy day as an excuse to do nothing, being picked up and carried around or just picked up, knowing i don't have to deal with after effects ever again, sweet things said to me for no reason at all unexpectedly, my dog when it's just me and her, feeling healthy, renting a movie for a quiet night in, being able to one up a pompous person in an intelligent conversation, cesar millan.

wishing the sun would rise faster

i decided i'm going to use this as an extension of my thoughts. whatever i may be thinking, i might just put it down here. random thoughts, opinions, general state of mind type of shit. reasonable enough, no? i do however want to keep the happy list going. i think it's a positive thing. 

it's late/early but it feels much later/earlier than it is. maybe it's because i have been awake since 8:30 in the morning and racked my brain for a solid three hours. i want to sleep for hours upon hours upon hours. my bed is pitifully small. if my bed were larger, i think i would be able to be that type of person who just sleeps the day away. this topic brings me to my happy list.

sinking into a mattress covered with a warm comforter, beds so big that you need a running start to get into it, night time walks, birthday cake on days that it's not your birthday, inside jokes, the downfall and destruction of after effects, waking up thinking you're running late but realizing you have another two hours to sleep, subway, having your friends stick up for you because they genuinely want to, lollipops, having promises kept, the truth, giving and getting good advice, non smokers, fog at night time, eye contact, being in the arms of the one you love and falling asleep/waking up in the same position.

fire flies and empty skies

i decided i would start this off on a positive note. therefore, i am going to go through all the things that make me happy. these things are all over the map- there is really no rhyme or reason to them at all. 

taking a shower after a day at the beach, swings, fat animals, sincere hugs, punctuality, the perfect temperature, a family dinner ending in laughter, babies whether they're screaming or sleeping, homemade pizza not for the pizza but for the experience, having an age in the single digits, feeling buzzed without even drinking, gift giving, falling asleep to music, falling asleep with the windows open, falling asleep next to another warm body, night time showers, fresh laundry, good conversation on the topic of absolutely anything over any type of setting, feeling fully appreciated, being shown i'm appreciated in casual and simple ways that cost nothing, receiving real letters in the mail, hand holding, hearing people laugh, hearing myself laugh, buying candy at the grocery store before i go to the movies to avoid paying ridiculous money, lightning bugs, sneaking into the park at night.

there is a lot more to be added, but for now i think i may leave it at that. i might keep this positive note going by adding more and more things each time i post. who knows?