the light at the end of a tunnel or a train

last night was the first time in a long time that i was legitimately caught off guard and scared of thunder. it woke me up, terrified. for a second i thought something horrific had happened. it hadn't, it was just a ridiculous thunder clap followed by a few more ridiculous thunder claps. the initial one was so powerful it set a car alarm off on my block. i did however enjoy the lightning that accompanied the thunder, even though i was trying desperately to get quality sleep. i don't think i will get any of that for a while.

the one thing that was supposed to give me peace of mind and a chance at rest did the opposite yesterday. it did nothing to satiate this anxiety that continues to boil inside me. if anything i feel as if it's bubbled over. yes, i have an answer. yes, i have a plan. no, i do not feel any better. it's not fine with me. it's not fair that out of everyone, i am left with this. i do almost everything i can to better my health and no one else i know does the same, not even close- and they walk away, unharmed and oblivious to their luck. it's disgusting and unjust how things work out sometimes. this is not me saying that anyone else deserves this, but it sure as hell should not have ever been me.

i know that out of anything, what i was dealt was the best possible hand- but for right now i am distraught. that feeling i had when i was woken up by the thunder is constant now.