inside this open heart

i'm in a very peculiar mood as of now. it's not good, it's not bad- but it's not indifferent either. i'm near apathetic but not totally there yet. it's a mixture of confusion, inadequacy, frustration, and anticipation which equals a rather odd feeling. i feel like i'm being torn in two- or ten. there are so many different things bothering me. i don't know what to do with myself. i can't concentrate on anything and every time i try to distract myself, it comes right back to my mood. to add on to the feeling i already have, i feel even more frustrated because i can't seem to shake it. i have so many questions and barely any answers to satiate me. i suppose that if i looked more into words, actions, scenarios, and situations i can find my answers easily. maybe i just don't want to fully accept them though. i know it'll suck too much and i'm buying time, i guess. i can't find peace in any of the places i'm looking. there's just this hovering thing behind me, begging me to get to the bottom of this- whatever it is. i'm so sick of being unsettled. i want a firmer grip on the future, on the present. i want to know what's worth it and what isn't. i want to know if i'll always feel like this. how hard is it to get answers, simple ones too? how many answers do i need in order to be alright? why is this so taxing? no one else seems to have this problem. everyone else seems to float right through their days, never stopping to question anything or any of their relationships, friendships, activities, families, or whatever else they have in their lives. why is it i need that reassurance, that answer? i actually am shocked that i haven't seen this predicament more in people. i can't be the only one on this. sure, i over analyze and look deeply into things- but isn't that what makes some things important? some things deserve that extra thought, that extra minute of care. people deserve that extra consideration, pets deserve it, your family deserves it. why is it so hard to give that away though? what is so bad about thinking of something a lot? it's what separates living from just existing. people that just exist don't think about things, they don't care. they're so painfully indifferent toward anything. they make no decisions and could care less about where the day takes them. they rarely take a stand on anything and they overlook the most obvious things. this type of person frustrates me and drives me up the wall. you were given a brain for a reason. if those people would just think, take a minute to look a bit deeper into something- just one thing, anything- they would know what living is. they'd see things they didn't know were right in front of them before. they'd most likely appreciate everything around them more. it really disgusts me how much people take shit for granted. some people could have a lump of gold sitting in their fucking laps and not care one bit about it. this is just another example of existing. someone that lives would notice a hunk of gold in front of their face and cherish it. i don't understand people that just exist. it's not hard to just think and let yourself feel things. god forbid, though- that might take too much effort.