putting the damage on

the weather finally seems to be clear today. waking up to sun is a good sign. it's alright if it isn't 75 or 80, as long as the sun is shining i'm content. the whole house is silent. i'm the only one home at the moment and it leaves me with such quiet that i can indulge myself in my guilty pleasure of thinking to the maximum degree. i love my family to pieces. i would literally do anything for them, no matter how grotesque or morally wrong. i say this with such certainty because i know they would do the same for me. it's an unspoken agreement between us, that we would kill in order to save each other. i'm totally at peace with that. every family is different and every family has their faults which i why i can understand why a good amount of people would disagree with my previous statement, that they wouldn't go to extreme measures to save a member of their family- which is rational. mine has their flaws too, plenty of them as a matter of fact. there's alcoholism, verbal stints, threats, secrets, and a deep seeded hatred among my immediate family- but somehow we still love each other and miraculously see passed all of our short comings at the end of the day. 

my parents, for all intents and purposes, should be divorced or at least legally separated. i don't think they ever married each other because they were both deeply in love- they felt like they were running out of time. i'm not saying they merely settled, i'm saying they were never head-over-heels for one another. they had both been previously divorced from other spouses and approaching their mid to late thirties. they both wanted children, they could go through a whole day without wanting to kill each other, and they looked good together- perfect pair. they still do love each other, i'm sure of that. it's no question though that they have no romantic connection. it's just too much of a hassle to get a divorce- too expensive, too much moving stuff around, too much confusion of who goes where, incredibly time consuming. i know this because both of them have told me on numerous occasions. they share more with me than they probably should, being that i am their youngest. that's just the type of family we are, though. anything is fair game for conversation, even at the dinner table. 

we're a vulgar and profane bunch. we curse and release bodily gases when ever we feel like it in our home. there's yelling, pounding, throwing, drinking, and hating filling every room. there's secrets kept and secrets told and tears spilled over long carried heart sores. there's also an undying bond between the four of us that no one can break, not even one of us if we wanted to. i've tried.