bend back and forth across the map

at this moment, what i want more than anything is to be a normal twenty-one year old. no matter how much i will it to happen, it just doesn't come together. i feel such a sense of not belonging and it doesn't sadden me as much as it frustrates me. i am convinced i must be doing something wrong. everyone around me manages to have a wonderful time and i am so envious of them. i'm inherently uncool and most of my jokes fall flat on the floor. i'm not exciting and i feel as if i contribute nothing to a conversation, or at least nothing anyone wants to listen to. i'm not attractive enough to be the incredibly hot girl at the party. i'm not funny enough to be the person to go to for laughs at the party. i'm not smart or quick enough to be the witty one. i am the wet blanket, the one who brings nothing to the party except her boring and mediocre presence. not even i want to be around myself. i can't stand the smell of smoke and weed. i am miserable at any and every drinking game i have ever participated in. i can barely keep track of the ones i've been taught. i physically can't smoke a cigarette. my throat and lungs will have no part of it and i think i may have taken one semi successful drag in my whole life. a night revolving around beer doesn't excite me in the least. i wish it did. i wish i could be happy with that. i wish i could be something that fit in. the frustration i feel toward myself, and only myself, is so overwhelming. i fooled myself into thinking i could pull it off a few times. i really had myself going but i can only keep appearances up for so long. i'd do anything to change how i feel, but so far nothing has worked. i am such a loser and i keep letting myself down time and again. it's in my genes to be the uncool one. that's the one i am at the party.