live the questions now

rainer maria rilke, one of my favorite poets, crossed my mind recently. i've been reading his work and learning about his life since i turned fourteen years old. i don't know why he popped up in my line of thought, but i'm glad he did. it reminded me of my favorite quote of his, possibly my favorite quote in general. the quote itself comes from a short paragraph and reads, "live the questions now." i clung to those words since i read them almost eight years ago- because what else can we do? it's a quote, yes, but to me it's also a strategy to living life. you exist if you don't take a chance. you remain stagnant and rotting in the mundane day-to-day if you don't delve into that thing you may be curious about. why not let yourself go and do the things that just may make you happy? why not express how you feel when you might not get another day, hour, minute to do so?

it is imperative to me to just live everything to its fullest, to not sit and wonder what will happen next. i live according to me, not to how anyone else thinks or feels. this is not because i'm selfish or impulsive or that i have a tendency to disregard others. in fact, i think- i know- i am the opposite. there is no point to try to figure everything out. i know i will never piece together a whole person and how they think or feel and how to please them and how to not drive them away. if they want to stay, they will. if not, so be it. i'm not going to waste my time, my life, analyzing what i may be doing wrong- because in all honesty, i feel that i am doing everything right by just chasing my happiness, whatever that may be for the day. i don't believe in being locked down by questions. it's a way to hold yourself back, without even knowing you're doing it maybe.

i lost sight of this recently, as i do from time to time. i feel that all people let their own personal philosophies stray from them occasionally for whatever the reason. mine is back now, though- and with a vengeance. for a while i'd been tip toeing around people, worrying about what i said and did. i couldn't stand the thought of having people talk about me without my presence. i tried my hardest to please everyone, remain neutral and only speak when spoken to. that is probably the biggest load of shit i have ever fed myself. every day is new and the questions i ask myself will no longer be about things that have the potential to ruin that new day, but about how to improve it. i refuse to let myself be suffocated by piss poor moods and laziness, selfishness and backstabbing, dishonesty and insincerity, or painful difference that is on the cusp of apathy. it's so simple and i'm a bubbly, carbonated mixture of happy and relieved that i rediscovered this quote. it's funny how words work, how much they can change everything.