bottle up and explode

it's one of those days where my head has decided to run rampant- and for good reason. i don't have to justify anything this time. i just keep leaping from one thought to the next, from a moment in my childhood to what i need from the grocery store to what time i'm going to the gym to feeling like i'm nothing. i'm a true live wire. i might not say anything and i might carry myself in a totally acceptable manner but thoughts are banging on the inside of my brain and all i really want to do is scream obscenities and throw my fists around. i always give so much slack and i always give the benefit of the doubt and for what? to be walked on? sure, i may be a push over and turn a blind eye to certain things just to keep the peace or not look like a harping nag but i'm not a fool. don't people see that i have much more to offer than favors and cookies? i carry good conversation and i have some insight. i have a solid sense of humor and i laugh easily. does that not make me "cool" or worth while? seemingly, not. what makes someone cool and makes people want to be around them? what am i not doing? this isn't just all in my head and i'm not making nonsense for the sake of making nonsense. i'm just so utterly fed up.

i'll attempt a happy list, although it seems pointless now.

fresh bedding and sheets, a good book, the approaching end of the online class, feeling like i matter even a little bit.