in the cold light of the morning

rainy days seem to magnify dismal moods and cast a dreary light on almost everything. the passed three days have been like this and yesterday i was going to write about how rainy days don't always have to be bad, but things have changed. no matter how much i will myself to not let the weather affect me, it doesn't work. something always ruins the day. i just hate the sogginess and dirtiness the rain brings with it. why am i ranting about rain? to avoid ranting about other things. maybe i'll rant about them anyway.

yesterday i finally landed a job. it's a bright and cheery place so i'm looking forward to that. it smells great and the music is that of old 40's and 50's which i oddly like. i love the look of all things 50's except for the people, i believe they call themselves "rockabillys", that insist on donning themselves in garb from that era. it's weird. anyway, the people there seem nice enough. i don't have to wear anything stupid which is also a plus and i already got promoted to a higher wage. i am incredibly relieved and can not wait to be on the pay roll. a weight has definitely been lifted from my shoulders. i can't wait to start saving up and building up my bank account again. i love saving money and thinking about what i could do with it in the future. it's a  guilty pleasure of mine to look through pottery barn for a quick minute to see what bathroom fixtures, lamps, and throw rugs would look nice in my future house. not a typical 21 year old girl's concern, but i'm an odd duck- i know this already.

i've been debating on whether or not i should make a one-time-only unhappy list to just get it out of me. i want so much to keep this a mostly positive or at least contented indifferent place, but shit happens and this is all mine, no? alright, here it goes.

smoking, smokers, pot smoking, pot smokers, smoke in general whether it's coming from a cigarette or a burning house/forest, hippies, hipsters, anything involving hips it seems, extreme liberalists, extreme conservatives, upstate new york, miscommunication, gossip, lies, dishonesty, giving your all and not getting as much in return, broken heartedness, puppy mills, extreme intoxication whether i'm the intoxicated or watching the intoxicated, mirrors, being made to feel that i'm needy, roadkill, getting left behind, pictures of myself, watching someone you love spiral out of control, watching someone you love not love you back, the obesity epidemic in america, betrayal, rumors, people taking advantage of their health or simply throwing it away, one sided stories, razor burn, my hair when it's greasy, all of the pointless press on the obama family and what they're wearing, alcoholism, the midwest, my feet when they're dirty, insects, the hills, my voice, slow walkers, a good day ruined, country music, stress, crying in public, crying in general, being forgotten, large groups of people that i don't know, bars, school, rainy days, feeling like i don't fit in with any of my friends or anyone at all.

i apologize for the general tone of this post, but they're my thoughts and i can't help it.

feed on irony and drink hypocrisy

what is the point of lastfm? i don't understand the need for it. actually, i do. i understand that scenesters, hipsters, and the rest of the flaming faggots out there need to prove to every other scenester, hipster, and flaming faggot that they have the most elite taste in music. who gets to say whose taste in music is better than the next? why segregate yourself to one or two genres? there's so much talent and great stuff out there but people are so quick to disregard said music. and what's with people "owning" bands? here is an example of what i mean: "i liked these guys way before they got popular. those other tools only like them because of that stupid single." who gives a shit about when you started liking them? applaud them for being successful. 

there is however music out there that just shouldn't be allowed to exist. i know it seems like i am contradicting myself and in a way, i might be. i don't know how to describe the music i'm discussing but it's a brand all on its own. it's terrible and painful to hear. to me, this type of music is the sound wave embodiment of the type of person i hate. that's the only way i can put it.

the list of things that make me happy will be brief this time around. i'm not feeling especially grand right now.

finishing someone else's sentence or having a sentence finished for you because you're just that close with the person, being listened to even if it's something as stupid as telling that person what i ate that day, checking off the last thing to do on my to do list.

a fine line between method actor and schizophrenic

nicholas cage is a rare form of actor. he becomes the role, living and breathing as the character he's taken on. he's a god among men, really. this post is dedicated to nicholas cage and the things he has said, and might say in the future. The first list will be just for the things he has said, or screamed.

*"HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?"

*"Step away from the bike."

*"Not the bees!"

*"I keep seeing their faces... burning."

*"THE CAVES WON'T SAVE US."

*"Killing me won't bring back your god damn honey!"

*"Bitches! You bitches!"

*"Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?"

*"Look... stairs."

*"Will someone please explain to me what these magic numbers are?"

*"FUCK DUFFY. FUCK HIM!

*"Shoot him again, his soul is still dancing."

*"What are those fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table?"

*"I'm wearing $55 Swiss cotton underwear right now and you expect me to jump in that shit?"

*"He sprouted antlers like a gazelle!"

and this is a list of things nicholas cage could perhaps say in the future.

*"I SEE THE CHILDREN AND I KNOW THEY'RE AT PLAY."

*"I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat seeking panther."

*"Yeah, that's a true story."

*"I'm not your typical FBI agent- I listen to Bob Denver, dammit."

*"Well, you want to stay at my apartment?"

*"You'll turn into a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression."

*"Rock solid... 100% rock solid."

*"I come from a long line of robbers and highway men in Italy. Killers, too."

*"I've sold guns to every army but the Salvation Army."

*"NEVER SHUT THE DOOR ON SHOCKERS."

*"THERE IS NO SMELL, GOD DAMMIT."

this list is subject to change.

slept through it all

last night's dream was filled with grandiose happenings. i don't know exactly where it started, but from what i can remember i was in the mall. i strolled into a pet store and found an employee to take a rabbit out for me. when said employee did so i noticed the rabbit had a cat tail. i decided to pretend not to notice it and left. for some reason also, i had a piercing on my upper lip and lower lip. i asked a stranger if i should take them out. he said yes, so i did. after that is when it gets fuzzy and a new dream takes place. i was walking down new hyde park road at night and a fire truck accompanied by a cop car and ambulance speed by. all three turned down plaza road and shortly after a black fancy car (i'll go with a bmw) raced by, then stopped. the driver, a black man in an equally expensive and fancy business suit, came out and said something like "i totally got away with that, yes!" and looked stunned to see me walking down the road. i got a terrible feeling in my stomach as he walked toward me and pulled a small gun out. i turned to run and got shot in the back. here is where it gets really strange. all of the sudden it's day time and i'm on a school bus filled with college kids saying "i just got shot, can someone please call 911?" and no one did. eventually someone dialed an ambulance and they took me away. when i woke up i was walking down yale street, bandaged up and talking to someone (i can't remember who) and said "i can't run anymore because my lung got shot." at that point, i woke up and was glad to have two very lovely lungs. happy list time.

lots of underwear for not a lot of money, making money, money in general, underwear in general, mexican soda, kisses on the top of my head, when my hair is played with, spiral staircases, the soundtrack to a goofy movie.

two points for honesty

i am a firm believer in the golden rule. if you treat people with respect and give them nothing but honesty and compassion, i think it will all come back to you in the end. it might take a long time and you might get shit on constantly- but it will come back. i try my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and if i connect with them on a genuine level (i'm talking friend level, here) i tend to give all of myself. i make myself available to listen, give advice, and just be there for whatever. now i might not get that in return at the moment but i'm hopeful that one day, i'll get the same treatment. i do tend to do the same with relationships as well. i give as much as i can because it makes me feel good and i believe that's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, friend or otherwise. does it come back to bite me sometimes? absolutely. it has time and time again in the past, but i still give people my all. it just feels like the right thing to do. maybe i'm insane. lately i've been feeling that i am because of this. i would just like to have it all reciprocated and openly appreciated. so goes it. 

also, i believe that having a history with a friend does strengthen the friendship no matter how dysfunctional it may be. when i know someone for so long it's that much harder to give up on them. what is considered crossing the line in telling a friend they are headed down the wrong road? when are you supposed to keep your mouth shut? i wonder about this often, especially recently. when you do know a friend for such a long time, you know who they really are and who they used to be. i don't think that part of a person ever goes away. i think everyone i know is still the same awkward 12 to 13 year old they were. i see it as a fact. when a friend goes off the deep end, i think it's only fair to help them try to get back to that place- start from the ground up. no matter how obnoxious, bitchy, loud, mean, or inconsiderate a best friend can get, i have got to make every effort to bring that person back down to earth. if i can't, it breaks my heart but i know i tried. time for another round of happy listings.

winning something on eBay, compliments, finding a really good book, being in the library in the evening, dancing alone, feeling ridiculously sore after a workout, being  proud of a piece of my artwork, having the house to myself, the color yellow, arizona diet green tea from the can.

let the waves have their way

this is still kind of awkward to type down my thoughts. i feel it's more efficient though because i think faster than my hand can write. i still do write in notebooks, but my words usually end with doodles. i may post some of my hand written stuff here which includes random thoughts, ridiculous mantras that pretty much apply to only me, and dare i say it- poems (which i prefer to call organized and pretty ways of saying things.) 

after watching a documentary today called "the business of being born" i just further acknowledged the fact that feminists really bother me. coming from a female, i feel that this is a bold statement. i don't understand why women need to "empower" themselves by having their babies at home on their own terms, hating men, not shaving, filling everyone in on what exactly women's rights are, and by just acting like a bitch all the time. it really starts to put a terrible name on women everywhere and doesn't that defeat the purpose of what feminism is supposed to achieve? what is the point of having all these different groups? no one really cares, or should care. i hate the idea of "homebirth." and honestly, no one has a baby on their own terms. you can't "own" that action. having a child should never be such a selfish act and display of empowerment and righteousness. if it's not solely about the child at hand, then said woman should never be allowed to reproduce in the first place. the hospital should be the place to give birth. god forbid something goes wrong, you will be helped and so will your child, right? right. that's what hospitals are for. what i got out of that documentary is that "homebirth" is an extraordinarily selfish act. onto my happy list.

sunny days that aren't too hot, taking pictures with a manual camera, developing my own film, being called sweet things, attention but not the disgusting amount that some people require, being on time, my feet when they are really clean, dunkin' donuts hot chocolate, being able to make someone's bad day a good day, thinking about all the great outcomes my future life has in store rather than thinking about the possible tragedies, thunderstorms at night when i'm in a room with a lot of big windows, lighting candles instead of turning on the lights.

the horizon has been defeated

it's over, it's finally over. no more school to worry about. even though i am terribly ashamed of what i handed in, i honestly couldn't care less about it. it is what it is and what it is is over. onwards with summer, right? once i get a job, i will feel completely at peace. also this online class starts soon which i am unnaturally looking forward to. i like to feel smart, i guess, which doesn't happen often. my head feels clearer now that i know i don't have to trek back and forth to manhattan on a daily basis. i'm almost too excited to keep one train of thought right now, so i will go on with things that make me happy.

big dogs hanging out of car windows with floppy ears, the smell of carnivals, kayaking, driving/walking through secluded areas, not having to go to school, pet names, everything about the summer, remembering the summers of my childhood, drawing what i want to draw, eating dinner on my porch, montauk (i might go into detail about this place in another post), acoustic versions of songs, being on boats.

in a lose, lose situation

so here i am procrastinating the shit out of this last assignment. i despise it with every fiber of my being, truly. the anxiety the passed few months have caused in general is absolutely outrageous. i am slowly finding out that maybe i am more sensitive than i'd like to admit. it's pretty devastating. i can change though. i can turn off some feelings and amp up other, more favorable ones. i just analyze too much. i observe too closely. but is that just my personality or is it a flaw? i also am beginning to see that my expectation of the worst hinders my ability to trust. what is worse though- not trusting but not being that disappointed or trusting and being let down? i change my mind on this issue maybe six times a day. and i put down that the truth makes me happy in my last post. i don't know how true that is, though. sometimes finding out the truth makes me the opposite of happy. in fact, it can make me down right miserable. ignorance is bliss, no? i don't know how comfortable i am with that though. i don't know how anyone could be. then again, not everyone has hyper active brains. i wish it had an off switch sometimes. on to more things that make me happy.

picnics, long car rides with good company or alone, jigsaw puzzles, reading at the beach, walking on the beach, using a rainy day as an excuse to do nothing, being picked up and carried around or just picked up, knowing i don't have to deal with after effects ever again, sweet things said to me for no reason at all unexpectedly, my dog when it's just me and her, feeling healthy, renting a movie for a quiet night in, being able to one up a pompous person in an intelligent conversation, cesar millan.

wishing the sun would rise faster

i decided i'm going to use this as an extension of my thoughts. whatever i may be thinking, i might just put it down here. random thoughts, opinions, general state of mind type of shit. reasonable enough, no? i do however want to keep the happy list going. i think it's a positive thing. 

it's late/early but it feels much later/earlier than it is. maybe it's because i have been awake since 8:30 in the morning and racked my brain for a solid three hours. i want to sleep for hours upon hours upon hours. my bed is pitifully small. if my bed were larger, i think i would be able to be that type of person who just sleeps the day away. this topic brings me to my happy list.

sinking into a mattress covered with a warm comforter, beds so big that you need a running start to get into it, night time walks, birthday cake on days that it's not your birthday, inside jokes, the downfall and destruction of after effects, waking up thinking you're running late but realizing you have another two hours to sleep, subway, having your friends stick up for you because they genuinely want to, lollipops, having promises kept, the truth, giving and getting good advice, non smokers, fog at night time, eye contact, being in the arms of the one you love and falling asleep/waking up in the same position.

fire flies and empty skies

i decided i would start this off on a positive note. therefore, i am going to go through all the things that make me happy. these things are all over the map- there is really no rhyme or reason to them at all. 

taking a shower after a day at the beach, swings, fat animals, sincere hugs, punctuality, the perfect temperature, a family dinner ending in laughter, babies whether they're screaming or sleeping, homemade pizza not for the pizza but for the experience, having an age in the single digits, feeling buzzed without even drinking, gift giving, falling asleep to music, falling asleep with the windows open, falling asleep next to another warm body, night time showers, fresh laundry, good conversation on the topic of absolutely anything over any type of setting, feeling fully appreciated, being shown i'm appreciated in casual and simple ways that cost nothing, receiving real letters in the mail, hand holding, hearing people laugh, hearing myself laugh, buying candy at the grocery store before i go to the movies to avoid paying ridiculous money, lightning bugs, sneaking into the park at night.

there is a lot more to be added, but for now i think i may leave it at that. i might keep this positive note going by adding more and more things each time i post. who knows?