sea foam green is in fashion

yesterday was flawless. the morning started out with my mom saying, "nobody packs like the paternoster's", and this is a fact. no one does it like us. the car ride there was hilarious. we all say the weirdest things. i was sitting behind my dad in the car, so naturally i thought to stick my hand out the window and into his to tap his shoulder and scare the shit out of him. we made great time, got into town at ten. we ate at anthony's, as per usual and afterwards checked into our room. we threw on our bathing suits and headed toward the beach where i drank in every moment. the weather forecast looks pretty good so i am keeping my fingers and toes and eyes crossed. later that day, my dad and i walked around town and i took pictures of all the places so many memories have been based on. after that, we all got ready to go out to dinner at gosman's dock. we got the best table in there, hands down, and laughed the whole time. my mom even spit out her drink onto my dad's glasses from laughing so hard. of course, we had to hit john's drive-in too where we got ice cream.

i woke up today to hearing waves crashing and i've missed that so much. this morning, my parents were drinking coffee and cracking jokes on the deck outside our room. it's nice to see them getting along. they really are an odd couple. this is why i love montauk, though. it takes all the shit away and just forces you to have a good time. if you can manage to be unhappy here, there is something terribly wrong with you.

forever longing the golden sunsets

tomorrow morning, my family and i leave for montauk. it had been an annual family event up until i was about fifteen. after that, my sister and i went once when i was sixteen followed by a trip with a few close friends when i was nineteen. every time, no matter who i may be with- i love it. i always will. it's a place that is exempt from any bad feelings i may have, holding only good memories and a careless happiness that i can't find anywhere else. i can remember times from when i was five years old being in montauk and getting yelled at for running on the boardwalk with no shoes on. that resulted in a 3 inch splinter lodged in my little foot and an uncle ripping it out before i had time to protest it. even that is a fond memory.

i am a profoundly nostalgic person which i think has aided in my unusually precise memory. it's always been important to me to take note of everything around me in a situation so i can relish the event later on. half of my happiness stems from the past. when i think of when i was much younger and my family and my friends when we were all so little, it just lifts me up. it takes me out of whatever shit is going on in the present. unfortunately, i always have to come back down and deal with whatever it may be i need to deal with but for a few short moments, i got away.

when i was much younger, we didn't go to montauk alone. my mom's sister and her family came along, as did our incredibly close family friends who i consider aunts, uncles, and cousins. one memory i have is of michael, who passed away, and i attempting to play chess and really convincing ourselves we knew what we were doing. i was nine and he was six. i don't remember who won, or even how since we had no idea what the point of the game was. after he died, we pretty much stopped going as a family- all of us. but i can't keep myself away from the place. i love it too much. i am so incredibly happy that we're going again in full. we got a nice hotel to stay in that's right on the water and hopefully the nice weather will hold. unfortunately, i have to keep up with my work for the online class i'm in so this laptop will be coming with me. despite the reading and writing of papers though, i am positive i will have a wonderful time. here is the happy list today.

montauk.

like a dog chasing cars

i now have two jobs and by the end of the summer i should be rolling in money- or at least the thought of money, due to the fact that i have things to pay off and things to waste said money on. hopefully not much will go down the tubes. the first job is great. i get to sit around with cool people and go through paper while listening to music. most of it is legal documents that people have accumulated over the span of their life but i have come across a few gems- like the polaroid of a man flexing ridiculous biceps or a family riddle titled "flannigan's shenanigans". it's a good time. the second job, however, is a borderline nightmare for me. i found out i hate retail. it's a god forsaken business and the only redeeming thing i can find in it is the promise of a paycheck. it's shitty pay, too. but i get my own apron and a name tag. my feet end up hurting and pounding and turning black because of the shoes i have to wear. it's really adorable. one thing i learned about myself though is that i am a scanning machine. i can scan lotion and soap like it's nobody's business. speaking, however, is another story. i hate asking for phone numbers and email addresses because i know how i answer that question myself: no. most of the time, i omit that question if the manager isn't looking. i get a smile from the customer instead of a disapproving and annoyed look. i also can't believe how complicated buttons can be. being a cashier blows. after my shift ends i come out smelling like warm vanilla sugar, coconut lime verbena, filthy money and change. again, really adorable.

but i have to say, having two jobs is rewarding. although i'm tired at the end of the day, i feel like i'm not a total waste of a human life. i made money, i served the public, i did my job to the best of my ability, and i got out of my head for a while. it's nice to take a break from thinking all the time. even though i somehow find a few moments in between tasks to rush a series of thoughts together. it's a talent and a curse. i realize i've overlooked my happy list obligation lately so i'll get back on it right now.

washing my feet after work, washing my face after work, the sound of my home's central air conditioner at night, getting a good parking spot, making my sister laugh when she's trying to talk on the phone, picking lucy up and looking at her confused expression, sunny days.

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

i have no idea what it is with me and international dreams lately. i had another one where i was stranded in france. maybe it's because of my world affairs class, who knows. anyway, i'll try to recount the dream as best as i can.

it started at some place called son pierre, yes- my mind even made names for the places which i can bet aren't even real. it was just a house and there were people my age there getting high and getting wasted. it also doubled as a sex shop where people rated products. i was extremely uncomfortable, needless to say. someone approached me and asked if i wanted to leave on his motorcycle and i, for some reason, said yes. so i got on the motorcycle behind said creepy man and off we went. we rode over really terrible terrain and i could feel my heart pounding even when i was asleep. we got to a huge building, a stadium looking thing really, and he said to get off. i did and walked into the huge structure in front of me. it was an airport and train station in one building. this is where it gets even more ridiculous.

i found out that a certain train goes from france to new york. absolutely impossible, but it happened in my head. i asked around and gathered that the train i needed to look for was 5W. yes, the 5 West line which was color coded in yellow. i had to wait hours upon hours until the 5W came and i got on. about 20 minutes into the ride, the engineer stopped the train and said something in french. we waited for another half hour and then the doors opened in a dark tunnel. i got out of the train, with my bags which were actually just shoe boxes- i apparently used show boxes as luggage- and walked down the tracks until i hit an opening and walked up to find a street. i knew i was fucked. i had no pants on at this point and had no idea where i was. i decided to turn around and walk back down the tracks. there were live trains speeding by me and i was not phased by this in the least. i got back to the station and cried and cried and asked anyone if they knew how to get on the next 5W. a man came up to me and was way too nice in a creepy way and gave me a plane ticket. he told me to say my name was memmed ozio and get on the plane. the man looked a lot like denis leary. anyway, i took the ticket but never got on board. i kept crying and then a priest came up to me because in this station, they have late night masses. odd. he asked me what was wrong and i told him. he said if i let him do disgusting things to me, he would get a 5W right away. i said alright and he first got the train, so i bolted for the 5W without getting raped by a priest. i sat down with my shoe boxes and then i woke up. i have sick, twisted, and deranged brain.

putting the damage on

the weather finally seems to be clear today. waking up to sun is a good sign. it's alright if it isn't 75 or 80, as long as the sun is shining i'm content. the whole house is silent. i'm the only one home at the moment and it leaves me with such quiet that i can indulge myself in my guilty pleasure of thinking to the maximum degree. i love my family to pieces. i would literally do anything for them, no matter how grotesque or morally wrong. i say this with such certainty because i know they would do the same for me. it's an unspoken agreement between us, that we would kill in order to save each other. i'm totally at peace with that. every family is different and every family has their faults which i why i can understand why a good amount of people would disagree with my previous statement, that they wouldn't go to extreme measures to save a member of their family- which is rational. mine has their flaws too, plenty of them as a matter of fact. there's alcoholism, verbal stints, threats, secrets, and a deep seeded hatred among my immediate family- but somehow we still love each other and miraculously see passed all of our short comings at the end of the day. 

my parents, for all intents and purposes, should be divorced or at least legally separated. i don't think they ever married each other because they were both deeply in love- they felt like they were running out of time. i'm not saying they merely settled, i'm saying they were never head-over-heels for one another. they had both been previously divorced from other spouses and approaching their mid to late thirties. they both wanted children, they could go through a whole day without wanting to kill each other, and they looked good together- perfect pair. they still do love each other, i'm sure of that. it's no question though that they have no romantic connection. it's just too much of a hassle to get a divorce- too expensive, too much moving stuff around, too much confusion of who goes where, incredibly time consuming. i know this because both of them have told me on numerous occasions. they share more with me than they probably should, being that i am their youngest. that's just the type of family we are, though. anything is fair game for conversation, even at the dinner table. 

we're a vulgar and profane bunch. we curse and release bodily gases when ever we feel like it in our home. there's yelling, pounding, throwing, drinking, and hating filling every room. there's secrets kept and secrets told and tears spilled over long carried heart sores. there's also an undying bond between the four of us that no one can break, not even one of us if we wanted to. i've tried.

searching through the deserts and caves

lately, i've been thinking about where i fit in. for a while i thought i just didn't fit in at all, anywhere. slowly i'm realizing that may be a good thing. i don't tie myself down to one social circle and i stick to my convictions with each group i associate with. i'm beginning to feel comfortable knowing i have friends that truly appreciate me for who i am. people that laugh at my jokes, no matter how ridiculous and people that include me in the most hospitable ways- these are the kinds of people i am allowing myself to gravitate to. for a while, i found comfort in the familiarity of one group and sticking to that as to not push any of my own personal boundaries. something changed and i saw that i owe it to myself to reach out and explore. i enjoy surrounding myself with people who like to do things and take advantage of the day and are open to everyone else's opinion. being known for something other than the girl that doesn't smoke or drink and likes to do things early in the day is a genuine treat for me. not being self conscious of what music i like or listen to is also really great. sometimes it stops mattering how long you've known people and it starts mattering what they do. people can change for either good or bad. when it's bad, it hurts and generally sucks. i like just being myself and for the first time in a long time, i feel comfortable with who i am. it's not worth one day of feeling like you're wasting time to try and appease some people. life's too short to not do what truly makes you happy.  speaking of happy, here's a list.

lucy in the sink for bath time, walking instead of driving, organizing the most mundane things, listening to my ipod in the car with the sun roof open, packing for vacation, hotel rooms and the mini fridges they have, guava juice, cold diet coke.

the last night home

last night i had another notably strange dream. it was anxiety producing and caused me to wake up in a drenching sweat. cute, right? as with all of my dreams, this didn't necessarily have a starting or ending point. it just begins. 

i knew i was in russia for some reason. i was there on an organized trip for something i can't remember. i knew a few people there, but not very much. the group was filled with random faces. we ended up going to some mansion that apparently had a long history behind it. it was filled with ridiculously expensive objects, the walls were lined with gold trim, and the windows went all the way up to its cathedral ceilings. we were told to stay on the first floor because the second floor was known to be dangerous and people didn't come back down when they went up. naturally, i went upstairs. it was kid's room after kid's room and it was creepy. i started hearing things dropping and breaking- typical haunted house procedure. i ran down the stairs and joined the rest of the group. we left the mansion and went to a train station. it was an odd train station though because it had an outdoor pool with people swimming in it even though it was raining at that point. the group went in and i refrained. i kept checking the time because we were supposed to be leaving soon and take the train to the airport. i let them know and they dried off and we got our tickets out. a bunch of trains were called so it was a huge crowd of people going in all different directions. somehow i got disconnected from my group and was on the platform for a train that i shouldn't be on. i heard a man yelling to another ticket checker things like "get the girl, finish her!" and i assumed it was me they were talking about. so even though i knew i was going in the wrong direction, i got on the wrong train and heard the conductor spit out a bunch of stations i didn't recognize 1) because it's russia and 2) because not one of them mentioned an airport. at this point, i'm freaking out. i get off at the first station and for some reason there is no platform. there is just snow and lot's of parked bulldozers and construction machines and pine trees. i was in the middle of no where and there was no one around. i was stranded in russia, horribly alone. i cried incredibly hard for a few minutes and then made myself stop. after some time, another train passed and stopped by me so i got on it. i was begging for someone to get me to the airport. i was offering the weirdest things in exchange for a ride to the airport- sexual deeds, money, anything- and i mean anything. it was at this point where i woke up very thankful to be in my own bed and in america. 

on another note, my back is peeling. the first skin shedding of the summer- how delightful! the odd part is, i really do enjoy it.

as the little things go

manners are a thing of the past. some people have just completely thrown etiquette to the wind. what is so hard about saying "thank you" or "please"? for example, if you borrow or use something of someone else's it's standard to let them know that you're appreciative of their generosity. this doesn't usually happen anymore though. people just get what they need and leave, no appreciation in sight. manners aren't just about "please" and "thank you". if someone has the decency to lend something to you, at least give them a high five or something. manners also concerns punctuality. if you're going to be late, let that person know. don't let said person hang in the balance as to when it's alright for you to do something. it's not fair and frankly, it's fucking rude. there are so many different forms of communication today that there really is no excuse for not giving a head's up of lateness. i could be doing plenty of other things other than waiting on people to come around. lateness is usually not even intentional, but it's a slap in the face and irritating nonetheless- especially if people are watching you wait and looking pathetic. i am all for spontaneity, but don't go changing plans last minute. that's also really annoying. the general public are so selfish sometimes. a lack of politeness really shows just how shallow and self absorbed a person is. a good example i can think of immediately is how someone will literally be yelling into their cell phone while on a train, in a waiting room, or in some other public and enclosed area. it's alright, have a conversation- but don't let everyone else in a fifteen foot radius know what's going on with you. i personally like to be polite to other people, even strangers. i usually get a good response and a big smile from whoever it is. when i see others smile, i smile. it's a good trade off in my book. i'll write a few things down that make me happy.

swimming in the ocean, seaweed free water, drying off in five minutes because the sun is that strong, straight up good music with no gimmicks involved, reconnecting with old friends that are truly genuine, experimenting with new recipes.

tell them that she's not scared

i still haven't started the job. apparently the masses just love lotions and soaps so much in june that my future boss is too tied up to call my references. i will kiss my first paycheck. i am required to wear all black at all times and shopping for "grown up" clothes was not enjoyable. i got it over with quickly enough, but i feel stifled and uncomfortable in work clothes. my rump was not made for office wear whatsoever but i got what i needed and i suppose i pull it off alright. at least it's black and not some really horrific and degrading uniform. i think i lucked out with this. 

this online class has the potential to really aggravate me. i can tell the teacher is a grade A douche through his e-mails alone. he thinks that my generation doesn't take anything into consideration and makes comments like "i'm sure none of you care about the 800,000 people that were slaughtered in 1993" and also thinks we're all racist which is absolutely absurd- and for the record i was fucking five years old in 1993 so i don't think i was capable of forming any kind of political opinion, let alone tie my own shoes. today, ghost of rwanda is supposed to come in the mail from netflix (because he demanded we subscribe to them to get ridiculous documentaries) and he sent out a "warning" that it's incredibly intense and depressing. i can definitely handle it. i'm looking forward to it so i can write my response and verbally kick his ass by showing him i am in fact an intelligent girl and i do in fact give a shit. i just hate when older people assume everyone my age is a social delinquent that is bound for failure in the future. there are some of us that have their heads screwed on tightly and have ambitions and goals and plans. we don't all party ourselves into oblivion and acquire at least one venereal disease. if not for myself, i want to succeed to prove everyone wrong. alright, time for my happy list.

hot sand, clean sheets, peeling off a sunburn, subtle but meaningful public displays of affection, pedicures, diy home improvements, little kids' logic, random outbursts of dance, making fun of people who are unaware that i am making fun of them, listening to old peoples' stories.