all dreamers take to the sky

the end of august marks the end of summer. school will be starting up again as will commuting, assignments, and the general woes of being a student. but with the school year comes positive things such as reuniting with fellow students and friends, getting back to the place where constant thought is appreciated, the stimulation of the brain, and the changing of the seasons. also, i'll be working toward that degree i so desperately want and am so very close to attaining. who knows what will happen after i get it. i still want to explore the medical realm of careers but i don't know if i have the motivation or steam left to go through more schooling. it's a terrible, awful thing to admit being that i even have the opportunity and gift of education but it's just the truth. if i get extremely lucky and land some sort of well paying job in the field i've been educated in, i may just stick with that and save the extra schooling for later on in life- but i'm not getting my hopes up on that one, at all. whatever happens, i have a strong feeling it will all work out just fine- better than fine, even. when i think of the future, i think of possibilities- not fears and upcoming responsibility and somewhat frightening independence. i can't wait to experience more and make a name for myself, somewhere. i can't wait to build something of my own. it overwhelms me in a good way.

i have very mixed feelings toward this semester, though. i wonder about if i can handle my course load, what my classes expect of me, and how other things have the potential to change. i can't be sure of how anything will go, even if my outlook is a positive one. i don't do well with change so that frightens me a bit. like everything else, i have to take it day by day and that will have to be enough. i've heard countless times that change is good but in some situations change feels more like failure to me. i feel like the act of changing something is akin to giving up on something- and i hate not giving things in my life to have every fair chance it deserves. people seem to have varying opinions on this.

yesterday i finally found an album i had been searching for for literally five years. what awaits us by dearly departed was worth the hunt. i found it at a store called utopia in hicksville, maybe twenty to thirty minutes from where i live. tom took me on a whim and i am quite grateful to him for the idea of going. he ended up getting as the eternal cowboy by against me! vinyl LP and it sounds really great on the record player.

the ever expanding list: the seasons changing, looking at the exterior of a house, looking at the interior of a house, fall nights, the little things, being distracted, finding sought after music, a clean bill of health, having a clean bill of health be the only bill, choreographed dance scenes, hanging porch swings, tree swings, new clothes, old clothes, feeling like sleeping late is an accomplishment, the colors that accompany autumn, the fact that yo gabba gabba exists, marine life.

the light at the end of a tunnel or a train

last night was the first time in a long time that i was legitimately caught off guard and scared of thunder. it woke me up, terrified. for a second i thought something horrific had happened. it hadn't, it was just a ridiculous thunder clap followed by a few more ridiculous thunder claps. the initial one was so powerful it set a car alarm off on my block. i did however enjoy the lightning that accompanied the thunder, even though i was trying desperately to get quality sleep. i don't think i will get any of that for a while.

the one thing that was supposed to give me peace of mind and a chance at rest did the opposite yesterday. it did nothing to satiate this anxiety that continues to boil inside me. if anything i feel as if it's bubbled over. yes, i have an answer. yes, i have a plan. no, i do not feel any better. it's not fine with me. it's not fair that out of everyone, i am left with this. i do almost everything i can to better my health and no one else i know does the same, not even close- and they walk away, unharmed and oblivious to their luck. it's disgusting and unjust how things work out sometimes. this is not me saying that anyone else deserves this, but it sure as hell should not have ever been me.

i know that out of anything, what i was dealt was the best possible hand- but for right now i am distraught. that feeling i had when i was woken up by the thunder is constant now.

walking on a wire

i woke up this morning, very early, feeling anxious for seemingly no particular reason. there was no nightmare, no being startled awake. i just opened my eyes, was aware of consciousness, and became nervous. today isn't any different from any other day, i'm not expecting anything to happen- good or bad. i just feel restless with worry and doubt, but what about? possibly, it's school starting back up sooner than later which has me wound tight or other issues- but i can identify that. this feels different, although it still could be the previously mentioned thought. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's just me. maybe it's everyone else- i'm not quite sure. i wish i could just snap out of it, whatever "it" is.

right now, all i want is to be in the arms of someone who tells me- and believes- that i'm alright and that everything will be fine.

i'll conclude with a happy list: excited dog tails slapping against the floor, i spy books, the summer time, how little kids are carefree, feeling loved, feeling safe, the assurance that someone has me in their thoughts, being sure, the end of a work day, feeling resolved.

a dream among the sharks

shark week is coming to a close on the discovery channel and i am deeply saddened by this. i've learned very much from this summer's edition and was blown away by some of the stories told by survivors. one story in particular got my attention. in 2002, an 8 year old boy's arm was taken off by a six and a half foot bull shark off the coast of the florida panhandle. as he was being shuttled to the hospital, the boy's uncle wrestled the shark to shore, shot it in the head, and shoved his arm down its throat and retrieved his nephew's limb. the uncle surrounded the arm in ice and sped to the hospital the boy was at. after twelve hours of surgery, his arm was successfully reattached and he's been using it ever since. good for you, jim morris. bad day for the bull shark, though.

it's things like this that amaze me. our bodies are capable of extraordinary actions, like being torn apart as if you were a rag doll and then literally being sewn back together- and having it work. it makes me wonder then, why so many people decide to play russian roulette with their health. why take chances so grave when you also have a chance of getting into real danger and then your body lacks the resources and strength it may need to recover? it simply makes no sense to me. some people say "live in the moment" or "losen up" and sometimes i hear "i could die tomorrow, so what?" it aggravates me to a high degree. what about the people who do take care of themselves and avoid the obvious things that are detrimental to their health and then end up getting bent over and fucked in the ass with some sort of ill fated disease or circumstance? would you tell them to "live in the moment" and "loosen up?" i think not. it's painfully ironic how things work out sometimes.

anyway, as i said, i learned a lot about sharks this week. some tidbits of information i've retained is that a whale shark's mouth can grow up to six and a half feet wide and a bull shark has the most testosterone flowing through them than any other creature on the planet. that is why they are always so grumpy and aggressive. tiger sharks are covered in little teeth called denticles. yes, that's right- their skin is a bunch of teeth, as if they didn't have enough teeth in their mouths. now, if i am ever in a situation where i am toe to fin with a shark, i think i know what to do thanks to shark week. i should punch its eyeballs and nose and shove my hands in its gills. i have to say though, i doubt it would work. i mean, if a shark wants to eat me i'm pretty sure it's going to make a meal of my appendages and torso. at least i'd serve some sort of purpose then- shark food.

bend back and forth across the map

at this moment, what i want more than anything is to be a normal twenty-one year old. no matter how much i will it to happen, it just doesn't come together. i feel such a sense of not belonging and it doesn't sadden me as much as it frustrates me. i am convinced i must be doing something wrong. everyone around me manages to have a wonderful time and i am so envious of them. i'm inherently uncool and most of my jokes fall flat on the floor. i'm not exciting and i feel as if i contribute nothing to a conversation, or at least nothing anyone wants to listen to. i'm not attractive enough to be the incredibly hot girl at the party. i'm not funny enough to be the person to go to for laughs at the party. i'm not smart or quick enough to be the witty one. i am the wet blanket, the one who brings nothing to the party except her boring and mediocre presence. not even i want to be around myself. i can't stand the smell of smoke and weed. i am miserable at any and every drinking game i have ever participated in. i can barely keep track of the ones i've been taught. i physically can't smoke a cigarette. my throat and lungs will have no part of it and i think i may have taken one semi successful drag in my whole life. a night revolving around beer doesn't excite me in the least. i wish it did. i wish i could be happy with that. i wish i could be something that fit in. the frustration i feel toward myself, and only myself, is so overwhelming. i fooled myself into thinking i could pull it off a few times. i really had myself going but i can only keep appearances up for so long. i'd do anything to change how i feel, but so far nothing has worked. i am such a loser and i keep letting myself down time and again. it's in my genes to be the uncool one. that's the one i am at the party.