predisposed to fall three times as hard

people changing can be both positive and negative. in one respect, it's good- if an alcoholic changes that means they aren't drinking anymore. that's an example of necessary and acceptable change. then there is negative change- when a perfectly good person either gets sidetracked or sucked into a different form of themselves for whatever reason, altering all the great qualities they once possessed. no one wants that kind of change. but how do you prevent that? if another person changes, that's unstoppable. whether they are going down a bad road or their feelings simply morph into something else, it will happen. you can beg and plead with them, cut deals, bribe them, threaten them- nothing will halt what will happen.

the next step in change is how someone decides to deal with it. obviously, when it comes to positive change you just accept it with a smile. undesired change though, that is something entirely different. accepting it feels like giving up. fighting it feels hopeless and pathetic. ignoring it's even happening is foolish and ends up hurting too much- and when it involves more than one person, it gets messy and someone is bound to leave the disaster feeling all but broken. usually, one party decides to accept the change and the other opts to fight it- and fight it hard. when it comes to change, i am usually on the fighting end. i just feel defeated by change when it happens. i feel totally lost and wasted- not in a "falling over drunk" way, but feeling drained of all my energy, love, effort, and dignity.

i always give so much of myself and then change comes in and destroys everything i built. it all just gets blown away and knocked down. i want so much to be the kind of person that can be content with holding back, feeling less, and giving next to nothing. i can't be that though. i can't not care with every fiber of my being. i've tried and it leaves me feeling empty and angry that it's viewed as a negative thing that i give two shits. this is who i am and who i have to be to function like a normal and happy individual. i have a big heart by nature and i give not to get, but for the sake of giving. my question is why can't some people accept it and give something back? why is that such a chore? to get genuine feelings in return is the biggest gift i could receive.

there are some things i will never understand- like smoking, animal cruelty, and laziness to name a couple. but the one thing that gets to me more than any one of those previously stated is the reluctance to accept love and to not give it back. it just saddens me so much to think of the people out there who go through that and think they are the ones that are flawed for feeling the way they feel. it's just not right and certainly not fair.

anyway, to get back to my initial rant- bottom line: change is shitty and hurts like hell.