all is ash or the light shining through it

it's one of those days again- rainy, slightly chilly, windy, and with no sign of it letting up. i made myself get out of bed because if i stay in it on days like these, i end up feeling worse- especially if i'm the only person in said bed. it's always been apparent to me that i am weather driven person, but on stormy days like these where there is no one around and only work to do- i notice it even more. i opened my window and trying to enjoy the smell of the rain at least. the only prospect of today is really just to do a ton of work that i have no desire to do. i'm always afraid everything i do will not come out the way i'd like it to. i have a picture in my head of exactly what i want to produce and somehow the execution of that vision is near impossible. i don't know what it is about my head and my hands that don't connect sometimes. the only solution i can readily see is to keep going forward with it until it becomes what i want it to be. will it ever be what i want it to be?

having a plan, homemade pizza, food blogs, relating to a set of lyrics by the word, being able to say i'm finished with a project, greenport, my hair after i unravel braids, sweating so much that it drips down my forearms, good weather, iced green tea from panera, the giant tree behind my house, honesty, renting movies, taking my makeup off, love.

buried close together in the cemetery weather

fear is a powerful force. it can make us act or stay paralyzed, do or not do. it's one of the most primal emotions and is able to take an infinite amount of forms. the scale of fear ranges from miniscule to enormous. it affects those young and old and middle aged. basically, it's something none of us can escape. we all have to deal with it at different points in time and none of us like it. i don't think i know anyone who claims they can deal with fear perfectly. it causes us to stumble over our own feet and second guess our actions. i deal with fear in a myriad of ways. i get aggressive, agitated, and defensive. i'll stand my ground on shaky feet until the feeling is gone. another mechanism i use to deal with fear is to go somewhat catatonic. i shut myself off from everything and everyone- no phone calls, no internet, no text messages. i will barely even talk to my family. i'll project everything inward until the threat has passed which can take anywhere from three days to three weeks to three months. the age old way of dealing with fear though, is to pretend like it's not there. this is quite possibly the biggest mistake you can make. you have to acknowledge whatever it is before you can move passed it. it's important to understand exactly what it is that fills you fear and then you need to get acclimated to how you may handle the threat or situation arising. avoidance achieves nothing. it only dulls the pang of anxiety and prolongs the chance of feeling the same way again. everyone has a different tool belt of coping mechanisms that seem to work for them individually.

it's time to list my fears:

mutilation of the face or body, amputation of any limbs, paralysis, being severely burned, having something happen to my eyes or tongue, losing my teeth, anything that could potentially leave me deformed in any way, blindness, insects, suffering a long and painful death, dealing with a natural disaster, the ocean at night, being rejected and made to feel small time after time, being less than what you want to be, not mattering to anyone, not making a difference, being sexually abused, what really happens when we die, the future, the past, the fate of my mother, father, and sister, small spaces, having to let go of something, suffocating, drowning, things that are far larger than i am, getting stuck under a floating dock, change, the ending of things.

every little memory has a song

two nights ago i had another one of my classically odd dreams. it could have been fever induced being that i've been sick the passed few days but since i usually have these wild subconscious visions of grandeur, i'm more inclined to say that the fever had nothing to do with it. the main part of the dream dealt with me and my dad. he kept trying to get me to come down the stairs of a dock in the water right off a bridge. i was doing fine until i got closer to the water and saw how dark it was. it looked like oil spilled in the sea. my dad kept motioning me to come closer, saying it was fine and i had nothing to be afraid of. despite his reassurance i started to cry and panic, grabbing onto the railing of the dock stairs and holding on until my knuckles turned white. i told my dad i couldn't do it, i couldn't possibly get into the blackness of the water. he told me i had no choice and that the only way we could get home was to swim out to a jetty about fifty feet away from the dock and get on a row boat that was tied up there. he kept telling me that i had to do this and that it was just the way things were and that i would be alright. i don't remember if i ever got into the water with my dad, but i remember waking up and feeling shaken but reassured that my dad was just pushing me for my own good. in reality, my dad can't even swim. i think that this dream in particular enforces the fact that parents, namely my dad, push their kids to do their best. my dad has always been doing that with me and i can't thank him enough for it. i can remember being at the beach at age six and learning how to boogie board. he stayed on shore, obviously, but every time i got spat up by the ocean, mouth full of sand and sea water- he told me to get back in there and catch another wave. eventually, i got the hang of it and was proud of myself. whenever i feel like i can't do some task at hand, he is the one pushing me almost to an annoying degree. he never made winning or being the best an issue. it was always just a matter of trying your personal best and doing every possible thing you could and if i ended up not being the greatest or failing, he would still reward me because he knew i busted my ass for something. both my parents have always stressed the act of trying to me. try your best, try new things, try to be a better person, try harder. these are some of the most valuable lessons i've learned thus far. i usually attempt to push myself whether it be physically or mentally. if i can manage lifting five pounds more of weight, i'll try another five. if i have to write 500 to 700 words, i'll aim for 700- and if i fail at these things, which happens, i know i won't feel horrible about it because it wasn't for lack of trying. here's a happy list for good measure.

using the sun as a blanket, running outside, getting a package you've been waiting for in the mail, recalling childhood memories, quality time with my family, spying on rabbits in my backyard, thinking about places i'd like to visit, picturing what my future house will look like, not feeling sick, hugs, songs that remind me of certain seasons, pedicures, keeping both my windows wide open, bike riding.

protect the day from badness and ruin

i can't put my finger on what's got me today. maybe it's the fact that i was spoiled with the good weather and having a few good days in a row. today is grey and i feel anxious and restless for no reason. it made me realize even more so that i am easily satisfied with all the small things in life, for instance the sun being out. that automatically boosts my attitude. it could be freezing cold but if the sun is out, i can deal with it. also, a long awaited EP by Isles & Glaciers was finally released after waiting two long years for it. it's amazing how much music can impact someone. even driving with my music on makes me happy. it's the simple things in life that please me.

on monday, i drove out to greenport in an hour and twenty minutes. pushing 100 miles per hour and keeping my eyes peeled for cops was a good time. i drive recklessly when i'm by myself and i don't know why. anyway, i got to where i was going- a pottery painting studio run by a woman i'd worked with in the past. i got there a few minutes early and decided to sit on a bench at the marina down the block from the store and i just admired the sight of a few lonely boats bobbing around at the dock and the sun bouncing off the water. it was beautiful and i could have sat there all day. it's just a town that's there, essentially in the middle of nowhere and a part of me loves that. her store is great and she hangs local artists' work and her own on the walls. it was so refreshing to talk to someone who understood where i was coming from artistically. she was kind enough to even invite me to stay with her and her husband at their house in orient and have full use of her studio and just work away on projects. another amazing thing she offered to do was give my name to people in different fields of the art business world. it's exciting and overwhelming at the same time. i'm looking forward to getting away from everything here and around me for a few days and just get lost in my own thing. i have a good feeling about this. being out there and meeting with her made me feel so good about myself and what i'm capable of doing. that's a rare feeling for me and i plan on holding onto it for a long time now that it's here.

a hypothesis as silly as this

my brain must encompass some sort of outrageous subconscious because the dreams i have are simply not right. last night i dreamt up one of the most epic situations i've ever dreamt. most of it takes place in new york city, more specifically the museum of natural history. there was a contest going on, a sort of amazing race type of event. somewhere in the museum there was $60,000 and whoever found it first got to keep the prize money. the catch was that the museum was haunted by terribly violent ghosts of people and animals. i went in and encountered the first ghost, an old lady with no eyes who told me i had to use the other door. she wasn't so violent, just terrifying. the doors to the museum were gigantic revolving doors that made the most crushing sound when you went through them. when i finally got in, i noticed that a lot of people had decided to try their hand at treasure hunting. i overheard from two people strategizing that the money was definitely in between sections 1 and 6 of the museum. whether or not the museum even has numbered sections is beyond me, but my dream needed to order it in some manner so numbers it was. i immediately went over to the floor plan and looked for where sections 1 through 6 were. i reached section 1 and saw quite a gruesome scene. the violent ghosts were taking out the living one by one. it made no sense at all, but i assumed the money wasn't there so i went on to the next section. section two was more quiet but i was still pretty shaken up by the chaos i'd witnessed before. i went in and looked around quickly, fearing that something would come up from behind me. i found a television playing a scene from a movie involving a godzilla type of creature and a blood thirsty robot. both were of huge proportion. i sat and watched them fight and make the same sounds the revolving doors made and got to the point where i couldn't listen any more. i ran away from the whole museum, fearing my ears would start to bleed. as in most of my dreams, there is an abrupt scene change here. the second i ran out of the museum it was night time and i was standing in front of a balcony. i have no idea where i was supposed to be but i saw my sister standing on the edge of the balcony rail dressed in pearls and a beautiful black cocktail dress. she screamed the following at me: "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK, JENNA?!" and proceeded to leap from the balcony edge. it's at this point i woke up horribly confused.

on a brighter note, my arm pit is feeling 100% back to normal. the scar is gnarly and it stings from time to time, but i can lift just as much weight as i did before and an even amount in both arms. i think pushing myself to work out and move around right after the operation was a wise decision. it forced the nerves and muscles to reconnect at a faster pace. at least now i have matching arm pits, scars in both. it's amazing what the human body is capable of.

until the lights burn out

i've come to the conclusion that the world might be ending. maybe not today or tomorrow, but it could in my lifetime. with all the natural disasters going on, seemingly one right after the other, i don't think it's that much of a stretch. earthquakes, record snow fall, tidal waves, and hurricanes- it's not looking too great for the world. who knows who's to blame, either. it could very well be us or it could just be the planet wanting to self destruct. why is blogger telling me destruct isn't a word? i'm certain it is. anyways, my half baked theory of the world ending is a piece of shit and we'll probably be here for at least another thousand years. i just think it's awfully suspicious with all these seismic catastrophes occurring.

i thought long and hard about it, and i have to say- i'd be okay with the world ending tomorrow. if we all go at the same time in a split second, i'd have no objections. as long as i got to be with my family and have a few calm moments at home before it all ended- i could deal with that. i'm not being pessimistic about this, i'm being quite rational. in a situation where the earth was going to implode and there was no where safe to go- wouldn't you just want to be home and not panicking? people might argue with me on the basis of "wouldn't you be upset that you didn't get to live your life?" and i would answer with this: i did a fair amount of living as it is and i wouldn't want to be here if my family, friends, and essentially everything i know was gone.

so that wraps up my summation of the human race ending. now would be a good time to add to my happy list.

shadows cast by the moon, the giant hood on my jacket that covers my face, projects coming out the way i want them to, not feeling like i'm an idiot, being listened to for the few times i need it, the fact that there is such a thing as the stinky cheese festival, volunteer work, cooking food i've never cooked before, cookbooks, catchy choruses, hot showers after a long day in manhattan and being covered in city grime, spring, law & order:svu, space heaters.