live the questions now

rainer maria rilke, one of my favorite poets, crossed my mind recently. i've been reading his work and learning about his life since i turned fourteen years old. i don't know why he popped up in my line of thought, but i'm glad he did. it reminded me of my favorite quote of his, possibly my favorite quote in general. the quote itself comes from a short paragraph and reads, "live the questions now." i clung to those words since i read them almost eight years ago- because what else can we do? it's a quote, yes, but to me it's also a strategy to living life. you exist if you don't take a chance. you remain stagnant and rotting in the mundane day-to-day if you don't delve into that thing you may be curious about. why not let yourself go and do the things that just may make you happy? why not express how you feel when you might not get another day, hour, minute to do so?

it is imperative to me to just live everything to its fullest, to not sit and wonder what will happen next. i live according to me, not to how anyone else thinks or feels. this is not because i'm selfish or impulsive or that i have a tendency to disregard others. in fact, i think- i know- i am the opposite. there is no point to try to figure everything out. i know i will never piece together a whole person and how they think or feel and how to please them and how to not drive them away. if they want to stay, they will. if not, so be it. i'm not going to waste my time, my life, analyzing what i may be doing wrong- because in all honesty, i feel that i am doing everything right by just chasing my happiness, whatever that may be for the day. i don't believe in being locked down by questions. it's a way to hold yourself back, without even knowing you're doing it maybe.

i lost sight of this recently, as i do from time to time. i feel that all people let their own personal philosophies stray from them occasionally for whatever the reason. mine is back now, though- and with a vengeance. for a while i'd been tip toeing around people, worrying about what i said and did. i couldn't stand the thought of having people talk about me without my presence. i tried my hardest to please everyone, remain neutral and only speak when spoken to. that is probably the biggest load of shit i have ever fed myself. every day is new and the questions i ask myself will no longer be about things that have the potential to ruin that new day, but about how to improve it. i refuse to let myself be suffocated by piss poor moods and laziness, selfishness and backstabbing, dishonesty and insincerity, or painful difference that is on the cusp of apathy. it's so simple and i'm a bubbly, carbonated mixture of happy and relieved that i rediscovered this quote. it's funny how words work, how much they can change everything.

don't think of collapse

today i am going to switch things up a bit. i'm going to start with my happy list, instead of ending with it- so here it is.

ipod shuffle getting your mood right by playing the perfect songs, homemade avocado and feta cheese dip, dreams that aren't frightening or bad, the clash: live at shea stadium, band tee shirts, free time, palm trees, trees that are able to be climbed, tree swings, swing sets, going for a walk on a clear night, simplicity, sincerity, honesty, laughing at things that don't necessarily seem funny, getting good weather on a day that was supposed to be filled with bad weather, crossing things off a to-do list, going out to dinner whether it's subway or sagamore, feeling understood, working up a disgusting sweat, pushing myself to my physical limit, not having to wonder, sunsets, sunrises, the moon, being reminded that you're special to someone, sales, not ever having to go to work at bath & body works ever again, showers after going to the beach.

no matter how bad things can get, there is always an abundance of things that make me happy. simple or intangible, i have quite a few mood boosters. my brain is just wired to gravitate toward the easy things in life, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i like that i don't pine over shiny, expensive things. surprisingly, i am fairly easy to please. my happiness requires little to no effort to attain, and that is just wonderful.

the silhouette of a face always turned away

when i look in the mirror recently, i am not particularly thrilled with what i see staring back at me. i haven't felt pretty for a while now. i don't think i'm ugly, but i don't see myself as a beautiful person with stunning features. my blonde hair is unruly and my buggy blue eyes are framed with ash colored circles. my brow ridge dips too low, always making me seem cold and angry even if i'm smiling. my forehead is stunted in its growth and my cheeks resemble those of a chipmunk. my chin rivals jay leno's and my mouth is much too large and aids in the enunciation of my all too masculine voice. now, makeup can help out some what but i can't change my skull structure or genes.

my hands are like my voice- entirely too masculine. my fingers are thick and my palms are calloused. my nails are nice, though. it's easy to have nice nails. i do pick at the skin around my nails in boredom or in anxiousness, however. my feet look unnatural and almost cartoonish. they just spread out, like duck feet. they are bricks at the ends of my ankles. each toe looks like it came off of a different foot. the skin on my heels are as hard and thick as the bark of a tree. veins bulge out of the tops of my feet, all blue and prominent. wearing delicate shoes has never been a walk in the park, no pun intended.

none of this is a pity party or wallowing in a pool of self loathing. this is simply how it is and how i am- mere observations of myself. i am still able to walk into a room and feel like i am not hideous. i can still wear a bikini and not feel terrible about the skin i've been given as my own. i can go shopping for new clothes and not come out of the dressing room crying. i am aware that this does not count as a stellar amount of confidence per se- tolerance, rather. it's hard to feel beautiful when you're the only one looking at yourself and there is no one around to tell you otherwise.

things that make me happy as of today are drives at night down an isolated and pitch black road, the new york city skyline, long island, new clothes, the thought of putting summer on pause, pictures of hawaii and imagining actually going there, warm toned colors.

predisposed to fall three times as hard

people changing can be both positive and negative. in one respect, it's good- if an alcoholic changes that means they aren't drinking anymore. that's an example of necessary and acceptable change. then there is negative change- when a perfectly good person either gets sidetracked or sucked into a different form of themselves for whatever reason, altering all the great qualities they once possessed. no one wants that kind of change. but how do you prevent that? if another person changes, that's unstoppable. whether they are going down a bad road or their feelings simply morph into something else, it will happen. you can beg and plead with them, cut deals, bribe them, threaten them- nothing will halt what will happen.

the next step in change is how someone decides to deal with it. obviously, when it comes to positive change you just accept it with a smile. undesired change though, that is something entirely different. accepting it feels like giving up. fighting it feels hopeless and pathetic. ignoring it's even happening is foolish and ends up hurting too much- and when it involves more than one person, it gets messy and someone is bound to leave the disaster feeling all but broken. usually, one party decides to accept the change and the other opts to fight it- and fight it hard. when it comes to change, i am usually on the fighting end. i just feel defeated by change when it happens. i feel totally lost and wasted- not in a "falling over drunk" way, but feeling drained of all my energy, love, effort, and dignity.

i always give so much of myself and then change comes in and destroys everything i built. it all just gets blown away and knocked down. i want so much to be the kind of person that can be content with holding back, feeling less, and giving next to nothing. i can't be that though. i can't not care with every fiber of my being. i've tried and it leaves me feeling empty and angry that it's viewed as a negative thing that i give two shits. this is who i am and who i have to be to function like a normal and happy individual. i have a big heart by nature and i give not to get, but for the sake of giving. my question is why can't some people accept it and give something back? why is that such a chore? to get genuine feelings in return is the biggest gift i could receive.

there are some things i will never understand- like smoking, animal cruelty, and laziness to name a couple. but the one thing that gets to me more than any one of those previously stated is the reluctance to accept love and to not give it back. it just saddens me so much to think of the people out there who go through that and think they are the ones that are flawed for feeling the way they feel. it's just not right and certainly not fair.

anyway, to get back to my initial rant- bottom line: change is shitty and hurts like hell.

bottle up and explode

it's one of those days where my head has decided to run rampant- and for good reason. i don't have to justify anything this time. i just keep leaping from one thought to the next, from a moment in my childhood to what i need from the grocery store to what time i'm going to the gym to feeling like i'm nothing. i'm a true live wire. i might not say anything and i might carry myself in a totally acceptable manner but thoughts are banging on the inside of my brain and all i really want to do is scream obscenities and throw my fists around. i always give so much slack and i always give the benefit of the doubt and for what? to be walked on? sure, i may be a push over and turn a blind eye to certain things just to keep the peace or not look like a harping nag but i'm not a fool. don't people see that i have much more to offer than favors and cookies? i carry good conversation and i have some insight. i have a solid sense of humor and i laugh easily. does that not make me "cool" or worth while? seemingly, not. what makes someone cool and makes people want to be around them? what am i not doing? this isn't just all in my head and i'm not making nonsense for the sake of making nonsense. i'm just so utterly fed up.

i'll attempt a happy list, although it seems pointless now.

fresh bedding and sheets, a good book, the approaching end of the online class, feeling like i matter even a little bit.

inside this open heart

i'm in a very peculiar mood as of now. it's not good, it's not bad- but it's not indifferent either. i'm near apathetic but not totally there yet. it's a mixture of confusion, inadequacy, frustration, and anticipation which equals a rather odd feeling. i feel like i'm being torn in two- or ten. there are so many different things bothering me. i don't know what to do with myself. i can't concentrate on anything and every time i try to distract myself, it comes right back to my mood. to add on to the feeling i already have, i feel even more frustrated because i can't seem to shake it. i have so many questions and barely any answers to satiate me. i suppose that if i looked more into words, actions, scenarios, and situations i can find my answers easily. maybe i just don't want to fully accept them though. i know it'll suck too much and i'm buying time, i guess. i can't find peace in any of the places i'm looking. there's just this hovering thing behind me, begging me to get to the bottom of this- whatever it is. i'm so sick of being unsettled. i want a firmer grip on the future, on the present. i want to know what's worth it and what isn't. i want to know if i'll always feel like this. how hard is it to get answers, simple ones too? how many answers do i need in order to be alright? why is this so taxing? no one else seems to have this problem. everyone else seems to float right through their days, never stopping to question anything or any of their relationships, friendships, activities, families, or whatever else they have in their lives. why is it i need that reassurance, that answer? i actually am shocked that i haven't seen this predicament more in people. i can't be the only one on this. sure, i over analyze and look deeply into things- but isn't that what makes some things important? some things deserve that extra thought, that extra minute of care. people deserve that extra consideration, pets deserve it, your family deserves it. why is it so hard to give that away though? what is so bad about thinking of something a lot? it's what separates living from just existing. people that just exist don't think about things, they don't care. they're so painfully indifferent toward anything. they make no decisions and could care less about where the day takes them. they rarely take a stand on anything and they overlook the most obvious things. this type of person frustrates me and drives me up the wall. you were given a brain for a reason. if those people would just think, take a minute to look a bit deeper into something- just one thing, anything- they would know what living is. they'd see things they didn't know were right in front of them before. they'd most likely appreciate everything around them more. it really disgusts me how much people take shit for granted. some people could have a lump of gold sitting in their fucking laps and not care one bit about it. this is just another example of existing. someone that lives would notice a hunk of gold in front of their face and cherish it. i don't understand people that just exist. it's not hard to just think and let yourself feel things. god forbid, though- that might take too much effort.

buried in the ocean floor

i've come to the conclusion that the 4th of july is one of the best holidays around. it's such a relaxed occasion. even though for very many people it revolves around beer and burgers which i'm not a fan of, it involves fireworks too- which i am very much a fan of so it cancels out entirely. call me a stick in the mud, but that's how i am. i love the big booms that you feel in your chest and stomach and watching the cascading dots of lights. it's simply pretty. i've always loved illuminating things. this is a weird statement but it's true. fireworks, christmas lights, lava lamps, black lights, neon signs- all of it fascinates me. it calms me, i suppose. i guess i'm so fond of them because i'm a visually based person. fortunately, this 4th of july turned out to be positive and fun. i was expecting the exact opposite to be honest, but i'm certainly glad it unfolded that way. only time will tell.

today i had a short shift at work. just three lousy hours in the world's most uncomfortable shoes. the upside of today was that i did not have to work the cash register. i was elated to say the least. since today was the last day of a ridiculously large sale, the whole store needed to be turned over. i unpacked and packed soap and lotion and only had to deal with a mere handful of bitching and moaning people. when i came home to take my shoes off, i discovered a few lovely blisters. also, my toes turned black from the dye on the shoes. they look really adorable right now. time for the happy list.

imagining how amazing isles & glaciers will be along with jonny craig's solo project, sleeping to get away from what's really going on, getting packages in the mail, good hair days, bathing suits that won't fall off in the water, a fully charged ipod, a fully loaded gas tank, family owned businesses, feeling settled.

leave when the wind blows

i'm home a day earlier than expected from montauk. we woke up at 5 am to severe thunder storms and it continued to stay that way until about 4 pm. we tried to make the best of it and went for a drive to south hampton to look at all the enormous and gorgeous houses to make ourselves green with envy. the trip back into montauk was nothing short of horrific. i spotted five strikes of ground lightning and the traffic lights were out. the thunder was the loudest i think i have ever heard. it was the kind you feel in your chest. we also got a flat tire in the middle of this shit storm. the windows started leaking as well. i guess that's what you get when you drive a well worn '95 ford aerostar on a vacation. when my family and i got back to the hotel, we noticed a really terrible smell. my mom and i also noticed that the ground was literally bubbling beneath the pebbles that acted as a parking lot. we blamed my dad for letting one rip but he swore it wasn't him. we got out of the car and made a mad dash for our room in the pouring rain- it was coming down in sheets and buckets. once back in the room, we concluded that the septic tanks had been backing up because of all the rain. the electricity was shoddy and temperamental at this point too, meaning that i had no internet- hence, no access to class. we watched the weather and saw that thursday was expected to be the same thing, more or less. so we made an executive decision to go west- and here i am at home.

i still had an amazing time. the two days we had were so wonderful. i went in the water on tuesday and it was frigid and rough. i almost lost my top- and bottoms. i still enjoyed myself, though. the water out there is that much bluer. i also took a dip in the pool which was refreshing. for some reason, i enjoy the sting of chlorine in my eyes. being stranded with my family on the beach was fun. just enough sun and time together. i guess it's a blessing in disguise though, because i noticed we were all getting a bit moody with each other today. plus, pull-out couches suck to sleep on and it really blows to share one bathroom with three other adults. i am a bit bummed however, because we didn't get to eat at the crow's nest where they have a shark tank inside. since i'm 5 years old, this entertains me ever so much. one accomplishment i am proud of though, took place at the harvest on fort pond last night. it's a really classy and fancy restaurant, the kind where they scrape the crumbs off your table between appetizers and main courses. my mom was admiring their wine glasses and loved them because they said "the harvest on fort pond" with their logo frosted on the glass. she's a sucker for anything with meaning and memory behind it, so naturally she wanted this glass to remember the amazing time she had with her unruly family. with my dad, sister, and even my mom egging me on and supporting this act- i pocketed the glass into my bag without anyone noticing. i am smooth and sly. the most important thing though, is that it made my mom happy despite the fact she witnessed and stood behind her youngest daughter stealing from an upscale eatery.