the years can hardly catch up

my birthday is tomorrow and i wish i had more time before it arrives. in fact, i wish it wouldn't come at all. after twenty-one, it's not fun. birthdays after twenty-one are just reminders of another year gone by. twenty-two is a boring year with what feels like an upcoming surge of responsibility hitting you in the face. it's time to grow up a little bit more. i have no solid plan and no prospect of a good career and while some may say i have plenty of time to worry about that, i really don't. none of us do. to me, "worrying about it later" is simply putting off the inevitable. i would much rather have a plan than stick my stupid blond head in the sand. this birthday is causing me great discomfort. it's just making me think of all the things i haven't done and all the things i need to do. speaking of plans, i really don't have any for this year's birthday. last year was wonderful but that was not by my doing. after your 21st year, no one gives a shit and if no one gives a shit, why should i either? the previous statement may have come off as extremely negative, and you know what- it is- but it's my birthday soon and i can type whatever i feel like typing. that's one advantage of a birthday- you can get away with more than usual, not like i'm planning on being poorly behaved. i mean, it's on a tuesday, how wasted can i get on a tuesday with school and work to do the next day?

what have i learned this passed year? a few things, one being that i should stop getting my hopes up. being hopeful now strikes me as immature, a feature i possessed before i realized this. getting your hopes up for something has just landed me on my ass, upset and disappointed. therefore, i expect nothing on or for birthday. that way, it might suck less because that anticipation will just be gone. i've grown entirely too weary of saying "maybe this time around" and "i have a good feeling about this." i've learned that none of it amounts to much, if anything. no one will pull through for you except yourself. there will be promises made and dates set but in the end how many of them will be kept? it's dawned on me that the majority is forgotten about and sit there in my head collecting dust.

a question i got a lot recently was what i wanted for my birthday. quickly and simply i can answer with the following: new running shoes- exciting, i know. what i really want for my birthday is to pack all my shit up and get away from everything i know.