how to cry in total silence

as it shows in the date text line, it's been a long time since i last posted- the main reason being i couldn't ever remember my password. it wasn't for lack of thoughts, dreams, or opinions.

what exactly is a rut? what brings it on and why do they seem to last for far too long? i feel like i'm stuck in one and i don't see any way out. that's the whole point of a rut. it's hard to snap out of it, to get a grip on yourself. i can see both sides of the spectrum here. i understand the person that has little to no tolerance for "getting stuck in a rut" but i can also very well understand the person who gets caught. i too, have no tolerance for do-nothingism and that's a whole different story. there is a huge difference between someone who does nothing and the person who feels like doing nothing but forces his or herself to be productive in some way, shape, or form. i'm saying i understand the latter. ruts are awful. they make people unsure of themselves in all areas of their lives and relationships. are they good enough? are they pretty enough? are they smart, thin, wealthy enough? are they worth it? ruts make that person answer "no" to each question, effectively destroying most of their self confidence. everything starts to hurt. lying about being fine becomes commonplace. you start to zero in on every imperfection, things that friends and family might love about you. those quirks and specific mannerisms, the sound of your own voice, the way you move your hands and lips when you talk become the very things you just can't stand about yourself. they become things that need fixing or eliminating.

does it sound like i'm carrying on? am i carrying on? i am, i'm hyper aware of that. that's part of the point of this, to be the person no one likes right here. no one wants to hear other people's trials and tribulations. people will say they're there to listen, but in their heads they are checking the time every minute, hoping you'll be done soon. who wants to hear it? i don't even like to listen to people like that. i don't want to be someone's burden, i don't want to be a chore. i want to keep being a productive individual who actively contributes to society, making some small difference and not just being a waste of space. can i keep it up?