the truth is vile but vital to this cause

why is it that people endure so many unnecessary hardships at the hand of others? there have been too many times where i've seen people continue to drag out a fruitless friendship or relationship while knowing the whole time that it's pointless to do so. if there is no balance, rewarding give-and-take, or happiness in a friendship it's time to get out. we're not being tallied or graded on how many people we can get to like us, it's not a competition. being nice is highly overrated and when i really think about it, being nice means telling the truth and being honest with yourself which can be hurtful or unpleasant to reveal. people need to get over pleasing every person they come across and just be genuine. there's no more raw feeling out there anymore. it's always about keeping the peace, being quiet, and frankly- being a total pussy.

not my style. if i don't like you, you'll know. this doesn't mean that i'll come up to someone screaming obscenities in their face. it means that i won't shoot a fake smile and make mundane small talk. there's nothing callous about that. it's one person being true to how they feel. i always give people a chance. if there is no spark, no connection, no interesting conversation- there is nothing for me to stick around for. the friends i have, i value to no end. i don't need people to be fans of me, i don't need to be the nice guy- because the nice guy lets you fuck him up the ass. i am not that guy. i do not want to be fucked up the ass. i'd rather save everyone time, energy, and deeply hurt feelings by getting it out there immediately. that is my way of being nice and think about it- it's true. why lead someone on?

like pierrot the clown

when i checked the mail today, i noticed something from FIT was addressed to me. i opened it and saw that it was information on commencement. this immediately excited me, as it is my turn to put the graduation garb on. the kicker is, i'm not just graduating at the actual Fashion Institute of Technology- my graduation ceremony is being held at Radio City Music Hall! i was practically jumping up and down in excitement. i shared my news immediately with everyone who was in earshot. my mom cared a lot. my dad joked about it. and the rest, well- it never ceases to amaze me how nonchalant and unmoved people can be. i'm not saying everyone on the face of the planet needs to be chipper 24/7, but at least give someone a sincere pat on the back when it's called for- even if you, yourself, don't think said news or event is all that special. the reactions of people i love and matter to me are just as important as my own. this is a big deal for me and i'd like to feel that people i surround myself with feel the weight of what is happening and what will happen soon. i support all my friends' endeavors with the utmost enthusiasm i can provide and to put it bluntly, i feel as though i get half (at best) of what i give. i want my friends and family to succeed and show everyone how amazing they all are, but i want the same back bone of support. my own gets weak and achy at certain times and i feel like i have no one to lean on when i need it. sure, i can get someone's word that i can depend on them but it's barely sincere.

here are some things that displease me.

one piece anythings, rompers, leggings as pants, crocs, skechers shape-ups, being cut off in mid sentence, hipsters that think they are totally 100% authentically original, dry skin on my face, waiting, overload of assignments, slow walkers, a lack of support, high waisted jeans, being the runner up, sleepless nights, stomach aches so bad that it hurts to inhale and exhale.

on a day like today

this month has been flying by. even though i've only been back at school for three weeks now, it feels much longer. this isn't necessarily a bad thing- it's just a feeling. recently, my passion for art has been reignited. (for some reason, blogger is telling me that "reignited" isn't a word- but it definitely is.) i don't know exactly when or how it happened, but it did. i'm talented and i rarely acknowledge it. i've been talented for a long time and i always shoot myself down. i won't do that anymore, though. by no means am i the greatest and most gifted student or young artist in new york, but i am competition. it feels odd to admit it to myself, but at the same time it feels satisfying. i know how to sell myself and i know how to deal with people and a lot of the truly amazing artists that are my age have no idea how to do that. they're like a bunch of deers in a giant pair of headlights. is it terrible that they might never get their name or work to the public eye? yes, of course. is it great for me? absolutely. i'm okay with that. that's how my trade works. you're out for yourself and on your own. there is no company name to fall on, there is no higher position to blame it on, there is nothing but yourself.

i still want that steady job and those comforting benefits. that is the ultimate goal. but art will play a part in my life forever and i plan on making some money off of it. i'm happy and relieved to have made this realization. art and i just had to take some time apart to realize how much we needed each other.

i made a mild modification to the nicholas cage tribute post. also, here are a few things that make me happy.

cover songs, a good shopping day, new shit, marrakesh oil.

it arose on azimuth glares

tonight is the first night it really feels like fall. the temperature is moderately lower and the air is fresher, more crisp. there's less water hanging in it. it even smells different. i love when seasons are in their own type of limbo. they don't know if they should oppose the rival season or just back down and take a break for a few months. those are probably some of my favorite days- when it feels like summer and autumn simultaneously. there's something really special about the fall though. the colors, the smells, the sounds- they're all wonderful to me. i favor warmer colors so it's no surprise to me that i love the orange, red, and yellow hues the leaves all acquire. even though those colors signify that the leaf is dead, i still think it's the most beautiful a leaf can look. the smell of fall is a combination of things i can't put into words. i also love the way the sun looks in the fall. it looks as if it's not that hot- that it's just warm enough. i know the temperature of the sun doesn't change, but it's how i see it is all. i guess it's different for everyone. i am extremely excited for the season to go into full swing and for halloween and thanksgiving and all those fun things- which offers a perfect segue into the happy list.

underpants, buying underpants, wearing underpants, the word "underpants", dancing around in underpants, pajama pants, wearing pajama pants whenever i can, taking pajama pants off in bed, sleeping in underpants, the word "pants", cooking something i've never cooked before, secret handshakes, learning new words, small trips to cold spring harbor, english breakfast tea from a keurig machine.

all dreamers take to the sky

the end of august marks the end of summer. school will be starting up again as will commuting, assignments, and the general woes of being a student. but with the school year comes positive things such as reuniting with fellow students and friends, getting back to the place where constant thought is appreciated, the stimulation of the brain, and the changing of the seasons. also, i'll be working toward that degree i so desperately want and am so very close to attaining. who knows what will happen after i get it. i still want to explore the medical realm of careers but i don't know if i have the motivation or steam left to go through more schooling. it's a terrible, awful thing to admit being that i even have the opportunity and gift of education but it's just the truth. if i get extremely lucky and land some sort of well paying job in the field i've been educated in, i may just stick with that and save the extra schooling for later on in life- but i'm not getting my hopes up on that one, at all. whatever happens, i have a strong feeling it will all work out just fine- better than fine, even. when i think of the future, i think of possibilities- not fears and upcoming responsibility and somewhat frightening independence. i can't wait to experience more and make a name for myself, somewhere. i can't wait to build something of my own. it overwhelms me in a good way.

i have very mixed feelings toward this semester, though. i wonder about if i can handle my course load, what my classes expect of me, and how other things have the potential to change. i can't be sure of how anything will go, even if my outlook is a positive one. i don't do well with change so that frightens me a bit. like everything else, i have to take it day by day and that will have to be enough. i've heard countless times that change is good but in some situations change feels more like failure to me. i feel like the act of changing something is akin to giving up on something- and i hate not giving things in my life to have every fair chance it deserves. people seem to have varying opinions on this.

yesterday i finally found an album i had been searching for for literally five years. what awaits us by dearly departed was worth the hunt. i found it at a store called utopia in hicksville, maybe twenty to thirty minutes from where i live. tom took me on a whim and i am quite grateful to him for the idea of going. he ended up getting as the eternal cowboy by against me! vinyl LP and it sounds really great on the record player.

the ever expanding list: the seasons changing, looking at the exterior of a house, looking at the interior of a house, fall nights, the little things, being distracted, finding sought after music, a clean bill of health, having a clean bill of health be the only bill, choreographed dance scenes, hanging porch swings, tree swings, new clothes, old clothes, feeling like sleeping late is an accomplishment, the colors that accompany autumn, the fact that yo gabba gabba exists, marine life.

the light at the end of a tunnel or a train

last night was the first time in a long time that i was legitimately caught off guard and scared of thunder. it woke me up, terrified. for a second i thought something horrific had happened. it hadn't, it was just a ridiculous thunder clap followed by a few more ridiculous thunder claps. the initial one was so powerful it set a car alarm off on my block. i did however enjoy the lightning that accompanied the thunder, even though i was trying desperately to get quality sleep. i don't think i will get any of that for a while.

the one thing that was supposed to give me peace of mind and a chance at rest did the opposite yesterday. it did nothing to satiate this anxiety that continues to boil inside me. if anything i feel as if it's bubbled over. yes, i have an answer. yes, i have a plan. no, i do not feel any better. it's not fine with me. it's not fair that out of everyone, i am left with this. i do almost everything i can to better my health and no one else i know does the same, not even close- and they walk away, unharmed and oblivious to their luck. it's disgusting and unjust how things work out sometimes. this is not me saying that anyone else deserves this, but it sure as hell should not have ever been me.

i know that out of anything, what i was dealt was the best possible hand- but for right now i am distraught. that feeling i had when i was woken up by the thunder is constant now.

walking on a wire

i woke up this morning, very early, feeling anxious for seemingly no particular reason. there was no nightmare, no being startled awake. i just opened my eyes, was aware of consciousness, and became nervous. today isn't any different from any other day, i'm not expecting anything to happen- good or bad. i just feel restless with worry and doubt, but what about? possibly, it's school starting back up sooner than later which has me wound tight or other issues- but i can identify that. this feels different, although it still could be the previously mentioned thought. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's just me. maybe it's everyone else- i'm not quite sure. i wish i could just snap out of it, whatever "it" is.

right now, all i want is to be in the arms of someone who tells me- and believes- that i'm alright and that everything will be fine.

i'll conclude with a happy list: excited dog tails slapping against the floor, i spy books, the summer time, how little kids are carefree, feeling loved, feeling safe, the assurance that someone has me in their thoughts, being sure, the end of a work day, feeling resolved.