like pierrot the clown

when i checked the mail today, i noticed something from FIT was addressed to me. i opened it and saw that it was information on commencement. this immediately excited me, as it is my turn to put the graduation garb on. the kicker is, i'm not just graduating at the actual Fashion Institute of Technology- my graduation ceremony is being held at Radio City Music Hall! i was practically jumping up and down in excitement. i shared my news immediately with everyone who was in earshot. my mom cared a lot. my dad joked about it. and the rest, well- it never ceases to amaze me how nonchalant and unmoved people can be. i'm not saying everyone on the face of the planet needs to be chipper 24/7, but at least give someone a sincere pat on the back when it's called for- even if you, yourself, don't think said news or event is all that special. the reactions of people i love and matter to me are just as important as my own. this is a big deal for me and i'd like to feel that people i surround myself with feel the weight of what is happening and what will happen soon. i support all my friends' endeavors with the utmost enthusiasm i can provide and to put it bluntly, i feel as though i get half (at best) of what i give. i want my friends and family to succeed and show everyone how amazing they all are, but i want the same back bone of support. my own gets weak and achy at certain times and i feel like i have no one to lean on when i need it. sure, i can get someone's word that i can depend on them but it's barely sincere.

here are some things that displease me.

one piece anythings, rompers, leggings as pants, crocs, skechers shape-ups, being cut off in mid sentence, hipsters that think they are totally 100% authentically original, dry skin on my face, waiting, overload of assignments, slow walkers, a lack of support, high waisted jeans, being the runner up, sleepless nights, stomach aches so bad that it hurts to inhale and exhale.

on a day like today

this month has been flying by. even though i've only been back at school for three weeks now, it feels much longer. this isn't necessarily a bad thing- it's just a feeling. recently, my passion for art has been reignited. (for some reason, blogger is telling me that "reignited" isn't a word- but it definitely is.) i don't know exactly when or how it happened, but it did. i'm talented and i rarely acknowledge it. i've been talented for a long time and i always shoot myself down. i won't do that anymore, though. by no means am i the greatest and most gifted student or young artist in new york, but i am competition. it feels odd to admit it to myself, but at the same time it feels satisfying. i know how to sell myself and i know how to deal with people and a lot of the truly amazing artists that are my age have no idea how to do that. they're like a bunch of deers in a giant pair of headlights. is it terrible that they might never get their name or work to the public eye? yes, of course. is it great for me? absolutely. i'm okay with that. that's how my trade works. you're out for yourself and on your own. there is no company name to fall on, there is no higher position to blame it on, there is nothing but yourself.

i still want that steady job and those comforting benefits. that is the ultimate goal. but art will play a part in my life forever and i plan on making some money off of it. i'm happy and relieved to have made this realization. art and i just had to take some time apart to realize how much we needed each other.

i made a mild modification to the nicholas cage tribute post. also, here are a few things that make me happy.

cover songs, a good shopping day, new shit, marrakesh oil.

it arose on azimuth glares

tonight is the first night it really feels like fall. the temperature is moderately lower and the air is fresher, more crisp. there's less water hanging in it. it even smells different. i love when seasons are in their own type of limbo. they don't know if they should oppose the rival season or just back down and take a break for a few months. those are probably some of my favorite days- when it feels like summer and autumn simultaneously. there's something really special about the fall though. the colors, the smells, the sounds- they're all wonderful to me. i favor warmer colors so it's no surprise to me that i love the orange, red, and yellow hues the leaves all acquire. even though those colors signify that the leaf is dead, i still think it's the most beautiful a leaf can look. the smell of fall is a combination of things i can't put into words. i also love the way the sun looks in the fall. it looks as if it's not that hot- that it's just warm enough. i know the temperature of the sun doesn't change, but it's how i see it is all. i guess it's different for everyone. i am extremely excited for the season to go into full swing and for halloween and thanksgiving and all those fun things- which offers a perfect segue into the happy list.

underpants, buying underpants, wearing underpants, the word "underpants", dancing around in underpants, pajama pants, wearing pajama pants whenever i can, taking pajama pants off in bed, sleeping in underpants, the word "pants", cooking something i've never cooked before, secret handshakes, learning new words, small trips to cold spring harbor, english breakfast tea from a keurig machine.